Dear Blog,
This week I have been overly sensitive. Idk why I just have been. I have been so stressed and frustrated. Tuesday was a perfect day. I had the opportunity to go to a devotional by Elder L. Tom Perry of the quorum of the twelve apostles. I don't think I have ever been so excited for something in my life. The devotional was amazing. I sat about 100 ft. away from him. I couldn't believe I was so lucky. He gave a wonderful speech on how we need to be prepared for this new year and the obstacles that might come from it. He told us how very important it was to have family traditions, as many as we could think of. He said many kids end up doing bad things because they are trying to feel like they are part of something. Elder Perry said that they should feel like they are part of something in their own family, therefore we must have many traditions, traditions in which we involve everyone. Have the kids be in charge of somethings. Make your kids feel like they are part of something in your family. The next day I went to the temple here in Rexburg. It was the first time for me to go here in Rexburg. The temple is soooo beautiful! It is soo big too! Compared to the temple in Memphis anyways. Then I came home and went grocery shopping. I finally rented the movie "The Help". I came home and watched it and bawled through half the movie. Once the movie ended I couldn't stop crying. It was ridiculus. I didn't know what had come over me. Finally I calmed myself down and said a quiet prayer thanking Heavenly Father that I wasn't alive when people were so utterly cruel to African Americans. Then I got myself prettied up to go country dancing. Me and Kayla headed over there and then Jake decided to come to. We missed most of the learning portion so I had no idea what I was doing. I tried hard but in the end made myself look like a fool. Everyone else there could dance like no other. Even Jake and Kayla could dance. I asked how they had learned these dances and they said from school and stake dances. I tried to explain to them how they didn't have dance classes at my school and that the dances are all nasty dancing. At stake dances you really only slow dance. I left that day determined to go home and youtube dances so I could do better next week. Thursday I was still really tired. I went to class and then came back. I did homework and such all day. I knew that Jake would be coming over that night so I made sure I looked ok and stayed up late waiting. His sister Kayla is one of my roommates so he comes over occasionally. Well at about 10 pm one of my friends comes bouncing in the door telling us she had gone to the mall and asking if Jake was here yet. Immediatley alarms went off in my head, why would she care if Jake was coming over? Apparently he was coming over to get his hair cut. His sister usually cuts his hair but my friends wanted to practice on guys hair so she was going to cut it. I know she doesn't mean it but she is the biggest flirt alive. The second he came over she started flirting. I could feel myself getting sadder and sadder as I listened to them talk. She laughed and giggled. Told him about her shopping that day, how she is taking modern dancing, how she made that scarf herself. I could tell Jake was highly impressed. Heck she is skinny, beautiful, musically talented, has perfectly white pearly teeth, can cook, and crochet. The list goes on and on. Suddenly I couldnt stop the tears from coming. The realization hit me that as long as there were girls like her in this world, I would never be able to get a guy as good as Jake. I couldn't remember the last time I cried that hard. I didn't grow up quilting with other Mormons. I don't know the Book of Mormon like the back of my hand. The list of perfect Mormon girl qualities that I don't have went on and on. It hurt my feelings so bad that even though my friend had at least 6 different guys she likes right now, she still flirted with the one guy I do like. I know she didn't mean too, or thats what I tell myself. It seems as though everytime he comes over she magically shows up too. She doesn't talk to me while she is there she just flirts. I know she isn't trying to hurt me, but she is hurting me. I wish we were friends like we used to be but she changed. I don't know what changed, but we don't talk like we used to. I was just going to cry myself to sleep but suddenly I got so strong willed. I wasn't about to let people walk over me. I have been waiting to come here my whole life, and I wasn't going to spend four years here wishing I was something else. I tried to repair the damage the tears had done to my face, then I walked out there. I casually entered the conversation. I got in a better mood. Not a happy one but I wasn't crying either so that was something. Before he left I told him I had 2 tickets to Celtic Nights for the following night and that if he didn't have anything to do, I think he would like it. He told me he would like to come. By Friday morning I was determined to learn how to crochet, and knit. I was determined to learn how to dance. I was determined to learn to be the person I have always wanted to be. I was determined to learn how to play the piano. The list goes on. Thankfully there is such a thing as youtube which will teach me how to crochet and knit. I will become worth something. I am not talented now but you just wait. One day I will be the best wife and mother that has ever walked this earth. Being a good mother, that is my biggest dream in life. That is the thing that matters most to me. Maybe I don't have the coolest talents in the world. But that doesn't mean I am a piece of crap. That just means that a guy is going to have to look past the surface to see who I am. Friday I gave plasma. I never want to give plasma again. I was shaking I was so scared. Then I got sick and almost passed out. It was a really unpleasant experience, and I can honestly say I couldn't have been happier to get out of there. I then went and took my first college test and got a 96. That just made my day. Then I came home and got ready for Celtic Nights. Jake and I left at 7. It was fenomenal I wished my family was there because I knew they would have just loved it. I was absolutely amazed by their talent. After Celtic Nights we went out for Ice Cream and then came back to my apartment. I showed him a few magic tricks and then we were just hanging out talking with my other roommates when what do you know my friend shows up with her date. All I wanted was one night, but it had to be topped off with her flirting with all the guys in the room at the same time. I wasn't that upset though. I was annoyed but thats about the extent. He left and I decided to hit the hay. Today I am determined to start to learn. I am doing laundry right now and then I am going to go practice piano. Oh and btw I think I might get a job at a call center! I hope so anyways!
Love Ya! - Emily

Last night I hung out with some premies (pre-missionaries). I was very dissapointed. Its crazy how good I used to think guys were until I met this one guy whose light shined through his eyes like I've never seen before. You could see his love for christ when he talked. He glowed. Its something that I will never forget. Last night I was very sad about the fact that I would never be that perfect girl that the good guys are looking for. But last night as I was hanging out with Haley, Tauni, and 2 premies, I could feel the difference in the spirit. They were having a good time,they were laughing. From afar you wouldn't see anything wrong. But while I was with them the spirit was gone. I didn't have any desire to be with them. Even though they are only a little younger than me it felt like I was hanging out with a bunch of little kids who hadn't quite learned about what life could be yet. I refuse to settle for someone who doesn't have the light of Christ shining through their eyes. Because its like the difference between skim milk and whole milk. Why would you jip yourself if you knew there was better? This morning as I was thinking about it I realized something. I do not need to worry about finding guys who want me. I do not need to worry about not being good enough or perfect enough. What I need to focus on is coming to know Christ in such a way that when people look at me they will see the light of Christ shining through my eyes. When I have a Christ like countenance than I will draw the good guys naturally. I'm not going worry about guys. I have enough on my hands with college as is. Its not my call. If I meet a guy and HE likes me and I know that he has a love for this gospel and I want to give him a chance then thats one thing. But I am not here to live in a town that should be called match.com and freak out when I haven't found my match. Heck I am 19 years old. I have many many many years left in my life. All I know is that I am not here to impress people. I am no longer afraid to be who I am. I may not have many friends, but I am who I am. I have many imperfections, but that just means I am human. I don't want someone who sees me as perfect or who wants me to be perfect. I want someone who sees my imperfections, and respects me for who I am and still sees the good in me.
Last night I was so sad to find out that not everyone here abides by the honor code. Many of those who do, only abide by it because they are afraid of being caught.The boys we were hanging out with wanted to watch a movie however we only had an hour and a half until curfew. They asked: "Are your roommates strict on curfew?" My heart sunk when I heard that. They didn't ask how we felt about it but assumed we didn't care and was worried about our roommates. I suggested playing games instead. I told my roommate that I was not comfortable being late for curfew. I agreed to abide by the honor code when I came to this school. I told her that I signed a piece of paper promising that I would abide by the honor code and so did my branch president and stake president. It made me look like a goody to shoes. I know being a little late on a friday night shouldn't really matter, but it does to me. I can't be the best person that I want to be when I am breaking rules that are there to help me. If I didn't want all these rules I could have gone to s regular university. But I came here to be around others who believe the same that I do. Haley just got here so I've got to go.

Love you!

That awkward moment when you realize you aren't good enough for him. You wait your whole life for the opportunity to come to this school and be around other Mormons. You get so excited at all the prospects of being here. Then the world comes crashing down and you realize that it is not a school full of good return missionaries. There are many types of Mormons here. And the ones that you have waited for your whole life are either married or looking for someone better than you. You realize how crappy you are compared to many of the other girls. You didn't grow up a molly Mormon. You didn't wait till you were 16 to date. You have already had your first kiss. You don't know the book of mormon like the back of your hand. You can't braid in 12 different ways. You can't crochet, nit, and quilt. You aren't as innocent as everyone else. You are worldly compared to these other Mormon girls. These dream missionaries don't want someone as plain, boring and un-Mormon as me. I don't even reach the charts against these girls. So no matter how hard you try to be the best girl you can be, no matter how hard you try to impress them, or how hard you try to flirt without being to flirty. You will never get that guy. Because you aren't that girl he is looking for. I just want to cry because I feel like my hopes and dreams have been crushed. There are too many other girls to compete with. To many other girls who look nearly perfect. Who will be the perfect wives and mothers and relief society presidents. Tonight I am going to a dance, but why should I even go? I am afraid to flirt now. How can I if I know it ends in disappointment. I am not the perfect girl and I never will be. I can't get things out of my mouth the way I want to and I can't express myself without looking like an idiot. All I want to do is give up. But then where does that put me? No where thats where. I've never been able to get the good guys, so why do I still try? Shouldn't I have learned my lesson by now? I never learn.

Dear Blog,
It is Friday night and I do have plans to go out. I have to go out to keep myself sane. I seem to have gotten myself down though. We are going to a dance, and I can only hope it is something like a stake dance because I never did like school dances. I can't dance, not really anyways. I can slow dance and country dance but that is about the extent of my dancing. As the time passes, I want to go less and less. Tauni just came in and wants me to do something so I'll ttyl.
Love you!
Emily

College is here!

Dear blog,
I have now been in Rexburg a week and a half. I love it here. It is a lot of work, but I do love being in class again. I am taking all foundations classes and a confectionary course, which is working with chocolate and candy making. My roommates are all really nice. I get along great with them. Haley is right next to me in the neighboring apartment. People here are so spiritual it amazes me. Normally I would be answering questions in class and being interactive but I haven't been like that here. Other people are so smart and opinionated I don't dare raise my hand and look stupid. My Book of Mormon class is so amazing. We start out with a hymn and a prayer. The spirit is strong in there and everyone is so eager to discuss the book of mormon. Everyone has deep insights too. I met a boy that I like but I think it goes one way so I suppose I'll keep looking. I really don't have time for a boy anyway. It's going to be hard as it is to get good grades, and get a job. My only friends are my roommates and 2 other people Chantelle introduced me to when I first got here. Well I'm going to go work on more homework and do something productive. Or maybe I will relax and watch a movie... idk