Well, i can honestly say I am done with relationships for a while.  They are over-rated I think.  I finally got my application in for BYU and BYUI.  I really want to go to BYUI.  I want to go to Idaho.  I have senioritus BAD.  I can't wait to get out of here and live my life.  One week left until I go visit my dear sister chantelle, and let me tell you I can't wait!!!  Something about leaving for 2 weeks just makes me happy :) As excited as I am to graduate and move out and start college... it is a little weird to think I only have 5 months left of high school.  Living on my own will be a little different after being under my parents roof for 18 years.  I am independent so I am sure I will love living on my own... but I know ill miss my family and its constant chaos when its gone.  My sister found a husband in one year, but I highly doubt it'll be the same for me.  It'll probably be a lot longer for me cause I am not so trusting of guys.  I have 5 months left and then ill be a free women.   Can't wait to be on my own! 

Well we get this whole week off for thanksgiving break, and pizza classic is closed, and the car broke down.  So I get the whole week to spend with my family:)  I can't remember the last time I was home for a whole week, I am usually going, going, going ALL the time.  I am lost, I don't know what to do with all this time... crazy I know but its true... I am SOOOO excited to go visit my sister for christmas, 3 more weeks and then I will be in Idaho:) I will be there for 2 weeks and I am just so excited to get an escape from my own life and to be with my sister and some extended family.  I miss her so much, I get by fine without her, but I am more myself when she is around, I grew up with her by my side non-stop so it was weird when she left and for the first time my childhood companion was gone.  I am used to it now, but still miss her tons!!! I still haven't gotten my application in for BYU and BYUI... I have everything done except my eccliastical endorsement , I got my interviews finished and then found out you don't mail it in, your bishop/branch president are supposed to submit it online.  My branch president is currently in Wyoming for Thanksgiving so it looks like I won't get it turned in for at least a week.  The priority deadline is Dec. 1st.  It looks like I'll be cutting it close.  I fear that since it took me so long, that all the scholarships will be given out already.  I can't afford college.  I may have to get student loans... i don't want to but I'm not skipping my education.  My mom just got home and told me to do the dishes, and complained about the laundry not being put away and about some stuff on her bed.  I don't know why she hs to complain about us doing everything wrong.  I just spent all morning deep cleaning my room and she gets offended cause the dishes aren't done.  My whole life doesn't revolve around the house you know.  I have 2 weeks left of my last first semester of high school.  I am constantly working on college crap and my classes are hard and require a lot of work.  I have a job.  Why do you think my life doesn't revolve around the house?  Cause i have more pressing matters!  Whatever... why would my parents care if I am stressed all the time non-stop because I have to make so many important decisions in such a short amount of time. Whatever chores chores chores... thats all that matters apparently.

IDK.IDK.IDK.

I just spent the day at ASUBeebe.  We learned how to use college libraries and stuff like that.  Then our teacher went over our research papers.  It was fun to skip school and do something like this.  There are only 6 students in this class so it wasn't crowded or rowdy.
Right now I am really wishing I knew all the answers to my life right now.  There are so many decisions to make.  I feel like I am walking on a tight rope.  I know what I've always pictured my life would be like after high school... and then theres reality.  IDK where I am going from here, what I am going to do, which college I am going to... IDK anything right now other than my name.

Well, my life is finally moving on. I think last week was like trudging through mud. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I didn't get any sleep and I flunked the ACT badly as a result. I didn't realize how tired I was until I came home after the ACT and slept from 2-6, and then the following day did the same thing. Today is the first day in a while that I actually did my hair and make-up. Let me tell you, actually getting ready for the day makes a HUGE difference lol. Well I have been busy lately. I am trying to apply for BYU Provo, and BYU Idaho, and I have to write essays for them. I hate writing essays because that is my worst area academically. I can do math and science and history... but english is another story. English makes me so frustrated. It's funny cause english should be the easiest... but each to thier own. Hopefully I get to visit my bestie haley this weekend. I seriously need a girl day. I need to just have fun and get away from this town for a few days;) I guess right now I am trying to plan the rest of my life and I am a bit indecisive. I'm not focused on having a lot of fun my senior year anymore. I can't afford to goof off. I have a B in one class and need to bring it up. Maybe if I try a little harder, I can get my ACT up a bit more. just a hope... not a big deal if I don't. I am resigned to solitude. Why try to be friends with everyone when it will just pressure me to test my standards. I know who I am. I know what is expected of me. I know what will make me happy. And the silly things that make other teenagers happy don't make me happy. I'm independent and don't mind being alone. I don't know what I want with my life right now... I don't know where I want to go to school. I know for sure I don't want to date anybody. Not for quite a while... maybe when I go to college I'll date again idk. I can see my future exactly how i want it... but then an instant later it changes. All I know is that I'm thankful for Family. In the end they are all that matters. Family is everything. I'm thankful for my family. Especially Alex right now. He doesn't know it but he is my best friend. He is a teenager, he goes to my school, and we are the only mormons in school... living the life lol. I'm thankful that God blessed me with a brother that I get along with so well, and I'm thankful he is so close in Age. Most of all i'm thankful for his laughter and humor in life. He laughs at everything. So when life sucks, I know my brother can make me laugh... whatever it is that sucks... he can make it look as though it was all a joke, a hilarious one. He understands me, better than almost anyone. I don't know what I would de without him, I'm thankful that he is here with me my last year. Cause Heaven knows i needed him. God must've known we would be best friends, that must be why we were born so close to eachother, why we have always gone to the same school, and why we understand eachother. He laughs at me when no one else does... he notices when I trip or randomly drop my keys, he laughs when I ask a question that no one else would ever ask... Just wanted to say that I love my brother Alex and am overly thankful that God blessed me with him. Might I had that If he were any younger, he would drive me insane, but he isn't, he is just the right age:) Gotta Love him:)

This too shall pass.

Well, i broke up with Andi.  Break-ups are never easy, but this was definately one of the harder break ups. People think I am a horrible person for breaking up with him, but I knew it wasn't going to work so why pretend and keep going?  I had very good reasons for why we broke up, reasons that I couldn't ignore.  Andi is a great guy, one of the best out there, but I wouldn't be happy marrying him someday, so as much as I loved him I had to end it.  I wish i could tell you all the reasons why it wouldn't work. I wish you all could understand.  I wish people would try to understand before judging me... but thats not the way it works.  I have explained why it had to end so many times now that I'm tired of saying it.  I want to leave so bad.  I want to just leave and never look back.  I want to go to BYUI, and pursue my dreams.  I want to get my degree and then be a mom, a really good mom.  I don't want to be in this state anymore.  I want to get out of this house, but there is no where to go, since this town is so small.  I'm looking at my options of what I could do, and where I could go.  Maybe I'll spend my summer with my sister or my grandma or somewhere other than here.  Or maybe I'll be stuck here in this podunk town.  Maybe I'll get somewhere in life and maybe i won't.  Maybe my dreams of getting my degree and then settling down and being a stay-at-home mom are unreasonable.  Maybe thats not possible these days.  But it doesn't hurt to try.  I have worked hard all my life, getting good grades so I can get scholarships hopefully, learning to cook, and train myself on motherly skills so that one day I can get where I want.  People tell me it isn't going to happen.  Maybe it won't.  But I want it so bad, and I know there is someone else out there who wants their wife to stay home and be a mom.  I'm not alone on this theory... maybe here in Hazen I am... but there are others out there and I will find them.  I know what I want, and I have the American Dream that with enough hard work, eventually i can get there.  I feel like a terrible person, but i prayed about my decision, I know what I want, and I believe that God will help me get there. If I have dissapointed you in my decisions I am sorry, but this is the path I want to go.  I am not here to please other people, I am not here to make everyone else happy.  I have to live my life in a way that will work for me and one day my children and husband. Its hard right now, i'm not going to lie.  But this too shall pass.  One day maybe people will forgive me for deciding to pursue my dreams... I want to be a mom, thats what I dreamed of as a little girl, and its what I still dream of as a Young Adult.  I'm not giving up my dream of being a stay at home mom, when that dream is still in reach, when I know its possible to have that in my future.

What happens, happens.

Wow, I think I am bipolar lol.  One day I am happy as can be and the next I am confused, lost, and grouchy.  This must be due to stress.  This year is the year that I plan the rest of my life.  I am constantly under stress of which school to go to, what to major in, getting enough money for school... am i going to go to Idaho or stay in Arkansas?  Am I going to stay living with my parents or move out and live my life?  Is this guy THE guy?  All of these questions and no answers.  All these decisions that I have to make.  And as much as I want to graduate and get out of here and live my life, I also want to be a kid, enjoy my youth, have fun.  This is my last year of high school and strangely I want it to stretch itself out.  I want it to last, cause once my after high school life starts, I know I will never be the same... and I won't have the freedom and lack of responsibillity I have as a teenager.  I don't really know anything right now, but I am perfectly ok with that cause quite honestly I don't want to know yet, I don't want to know where the rest of my life is going.  I just want to live day by day right now.  Is this a mistake?  I hope not... but for once in my life, I'm not going to worry about the future... what happens, happens.  That is my attitude right now :) 

Tired

I'm tired. Emotionally and physically.  I'm tired of always going going going.  I'm tired of trting and failing.  I'm tired of letting myself down.  I'm tired of fake teenagers. In essence im tired of my life... which will get me no where since it isn't leaving.  I did bad on a test the other day but it is my fault, and I feel like such a let down to the teacher.  I'm tired of kids only talking to me when they have a homework question.  I'm tired of the act. I'm tired of always being tired.  I'm tired of never being good enough. I'm tired of eating and reading and everything really.  Why am i so tired?  Why am I so frustrated? Why can't I sleep? Why does it bother me so much that nobody cares? Why don't I understand myself?  IDK. I am frustrated and I don't even know why.  I'm ready for my life to get to the point where it stops changing and settles down.  But before I get there I have to apply for college, fill out scholarship applications, keep my grades up, take my ACT again, work at pizza classic, do my seminary work, try to have a relationship, try to share the gospel... all this for what?  It's worth it in the end I know, and thats why I'm still trying to do all that, because I know one day when my life does settle down, I will be thankful I did all this.  I'm thankful for the blessings I have in my life, I really am.  I'm thankful that I have such a wonderful boyfriend, I'm thankful that I was born of goodly parents, I'm thankful for my past and what I've learned from it, I'm thankful for the gospel and what a big role it plays in my life. I'm thankful for teachers and how much they can trully teach you, not just bookwise but life wise. I'm thankful for the gifts in my life.  I'm sorry I complained, I'm frustrated with things right now thats all... just a bad day  i guess.  I shouldn't let things get to me.  I just need to be grateful for all that I have, and be optimistic.

War is ironically inhumane....

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote. I'm still dating Andi, and loving every minute of it!  For a while there I was pretty boggled with school work, but I think I got it under control now. The work hasn't decreased any, I just manage my time better now.  In my AP Literature and Composition class we have been reading and excerpt from The Things They Carried.  Mrs. Cox is my English teacher but Mr. Bradow who his head of the Hazen Harold has been coming in and teaching us three days a week. The way he goes about his life, and the way he talks and teaches, you can tell that he has been through life and he has a lot of knowledge and wisdom.  I think I'll remember his teachings more than any of my other teachers this year.  He has been teaching us how to annotate stories.  At first I thought this was stupid and had no point. You see he annotates EVERYTHING he reads.. he doesn't just read a book, he annotates is, for himself.  At first I thought this strange wondering if he had a life.  But then I took it from a different perspective and realized if we all annotated more, we would learn a lot more.  What I have learned in the brief time of annotating is that there is deeper meaning to books. I often read for the story, and that is what I remember, I don't usually take lessons from books, i read for entertainment.  When you annotate a book, you put 2 and 2 together, and you solve a puzzle, you get past the surface, and in turn learn something that you wouldn't have gotten had you just read it.  Today after annotating The Things They Carried I realized something about war.  War is in an ironic way inhumane.  I mean when you think about it, we ourselves create the war, we think that the only way to solve a disagreement is to fight about it, and see who is stronger.  We fight for a purpose, we fight to better our country, to protect it.  But while we are fighting for our country as a whole, we are tearing the individual soldiers down.  Yes they want to fight for their country.  However... think about what it does to them emotionally.  It doesn't matter how tough, and strong you are. Or how mean and violent you may be.  No matter the person you are... it hurts you to see other human beings suffer as they do in war.  No matter the person suffering, whether good or bad, they have feelings, thoughts, a past, a present, and sometimes a future.  They are human just like you are. They carry burdens just like you do.  And they are children of God just like you are.  Though we, humans, create war, no one can come out of war without a scar, without memories that will be with them forever, no one will forget the human suffering they saw, heard, and felt.  And yet we continue to fight, to have war, century after century. We know no other way to solve our disagreements.  And we continue to scar lives, for the sake of a better country, for the sake of a better future, we fight for the people.  War is ironically inhumane.  I have complete and utter respect for those who fight for our country, I have a better understanding of what they go through, and the things they carry with them, the burdens that may never go away, but they keep fighting, doing the job that no one else wants to do.  I think if we took our scriptures and annotated them like I annotated these few pages today, we could learn a lot more about Christ, and his plan for us.  We could get so much out of just digging deeper and going beyond the surface.  That's what I'm thinking about tonight...

Temple Trip

I only have a few minutes until Andi picks me up so I'll make it quick. I got to go to the temple today. I was so excited to go, I wish I could go everyweek, the feeling of peace there is like no other place.  I still feel the spirit and am just so happy I could do the lords work. I walked the temple grounds after doing baptisms and was amazed once again by the beauty there. Today I thought how cool it is that I was able to go the lords house, to think that only truly clean people on the inside and out can enter just adds to the beauty and spirit of the temple.  I love going to the temple because it reminds me of how I need to be living my life.  Sometimes in the rush of my life I forget whats important, and today I had such a feeling of peace and happiness reminding me of the lord and how I need to be preparing for the second coming... no one knows when it will be, but to think that it is soon, made me think of the people in the Book of Mormon and Bible who were so excited for the lord to come, and how they prepared for years... and then I thought, I am in a similar situation... to think that I, just like those in the Book of Mormon and Bible get to spend my life preparing for the lord to come... well it is amazing.  This year I am really trying to make the lord a big part of my life... read my scriptures and pray every night, and take notes in seminary so I can get something from it... and it is making such a BIG difference, the spirit is with me and I have such a feeling of peace that everything will work out.  Anyways I'm just so glad I got to go to the temple today, it really reminded me of why I am here :)  Just thought  I'd share my experience:)

Church, Friends, and my mom:)

Well I'll be 18 in two days... and I have decided to go to relief society. I think I will get a lot more out of church if I'm in relief society and don't joke around. Plus I want to go to Gospel Doctrines with Andi when he comes to church with me. So tonight is my last mutual. It's bittersweet cause I won't be going with the youth anymore... but i'm moving on to the next step in my life.
I've found out lately that when I open up my mouth and talk, i make a lot of friends... if only i had known this my first 18 years lol. I miss my bestie Haley so much... I wish she was here with me so I could share my exciting life with her like I used to. She is my other half and I can't wait till our next girl time lol. My life has changed so drastically in the last month it is unbelievable! I never would have thought that I would be where I am today and that any of this would be happening. For those of you who don't know... i've met myself a dream guy. He is better than me actually and really respectful and he just rocks my world:) As for my mom... I just thought I'd let you all know that I love her to death:) She has such a sweet spirit and I'm proud that I can call her my mama. As I reach my 18th year I have to say she has done a pretty good job raising me right, ya'll can say what you want but I KNOW that my mama is the best one out there and a blessing in my life =D  Thats all for now... have a terrific day!

My day with Andi =D

Well Andi picked me up at 7:45 am to take me farming with him. I was super tired at first... but after a few hours I finally woke up lol.  He drives the grain cart so we rode in the tractor and pulled the grain cart.. and when the combine got full we pulled over to the combine and got the grain and then drove over to the main place to drop it off... and then did it again. We did that for many hours until we finished cutting corn. To most of ya'll that probably sounds really boring... but suprisingly it wasn't... like at all I quite enjoyed it. We just got to talk for a LONG time lol. Oh and he let me drive the tractor too :) Then he let me drive his truck home while he finished up some things and I got all cleaned up and then went back and picked him up and then I got to meet his grandparents who were very nice. Then I drove him to his house and talked to his mom while he got all cleaned up. Then we went to Little Rock and ate dinner. I told him to go somewhere cheap... but he wanted to take me somewhere nice for some reason. Then we went to walmart and got some country cd's and then came home. All in all it was a wonderful day. I laughed and couldn't stop smiling all day. I Can't really believe I met someone like that. He is so respectful... and such a gentleman. I don't think there is a better guy out there. I had so much fun with him... still can't believe it... but it's true :) Life is so unexpected sometimes!!

My date and my roommate...

Well I went on a date last night with Andi Mack. He is a real country boy and gentleman. All my doors were opened for me and he was very respectful. He works on a farm from 5:45 till 8 or 9 ish everyday. Well he told me he would pick me up at 7 but got there at 6:40... I wasn't quite ready since I thought I still had 20 minutes... but luckily all I had to do was my make-up and that only took a minute. I decided to curl my hair and make it cute and I guess I shouldn't have cause I burnt my face... lol I was mortified at first but he didn't seem to care so I kinda forgot about it.. though I thought it was hilarious that I burnt my face with the curling iron right before my date... typical me... anyways he told me all about the ppl and farms that we passed as we drove to Cabot where we ate at the Dixie Cafe, a country food restaurant, it was really good! Then we had to run to walmart cause the ppl we were with (Jake and Megan) had to get something there so we just walked around and he showed me some guns and the ones he hunts with and how they work... it was really interesting actually. Then we went bowling and I got a 23! Lol apparently bowling isn't my talent but it was fun. Then we played pool and he won one game and I won one game. Then he took me home and his mom gave us more okra. All in all it was a really good night I laughed a lot and enjoyed being with a real gentleman... I have never met a guy who is more respectful. He wants to take me farming with him this saturday to show me how it all works, that should be fun :)
On to my roommate... well as you know brianna and me have some room conflicts... this is due to the fact that I want a clean and tidy room, and she enjoys destroying the room... not really sure why. It drives me crazy though! I can't even think in a messy rooom and no matter how many times I clean it she destroys it within 24 hours. so today we set up boundaries... I get one half of the room and she gets the other. My stuff goes on myh side and her stuff goes on her side. I hang up my own clothes and she hangs up hers. I'm hoping this new method will help both of us because I can keep my side of the room clean and tidy while she can do what she wants with her side. Well I only had 30 minutes and it's up now so I g2g. ♥ Love Ya!

Senior Year coming up...

Well youth conference was amazing. I had the time of my life. I met a boy that rocked my world for the weekend... and the spirit there was so strong... there is nothing like 1300 LDS youth together for the weekend... it was an experience I know I'll never forget.
I guess going into my senior year has caused me to reflect on my life... the good and the bad. I think for the first time.. I understand why I am the way I am. This is a good thing because when I understand my faults I can change them and improve myself. I'll be 18 in exactly one month and I am coming up on my last year of high school, my last year in this house, my last year of my childhood. I want so bad to just have fun this last year... before I have to be an adult and pay bills and be responsible... I want to make memories this last year. The problem is... I have no one to make memories with.. My sister lives in Idaho... all my friends are in Conway... I have friends here but none of them are interested in actually hanging out with me ... they just want to be my friend at school. I don't have a boyfriend or anything like that... so my mission of having a blast my senior year, and making memories... doesn't look like it is going to happen. My senior year will most likely consist of Lots of homework and studdying from AP classes, work, college applications, scholarship applications, and my parents stressing me out about how I am going to pay for my school. Thats the story of my life though... it's never been about having fun and enjoying your childhood... it's always been about responsibillity... I think the word "Fun" and "Emily" were never meant to be put in the same sentence. Maybe thats the way God wanted it to be though... I mean he moved me to Hazen... so I guess even though I feel so boring and like I have no life... maybe it's just not my turn to have fun yet... maybe it never will be I don't really know... One thing I do know is that while I want my senior year to last... at the same time I want it to fly by so i can move out and be my own person. I hate being told what to do... I have my independence you know... and it drives me crazy that I'm still living in this house... still having to listen to my parents... I want to make my own rules and my own decisions... but I feel like my family is just a big circle closing in around me constantly... they act like I'm the worst person in the world... always disapppionting them... they don't realize what a good kid I am... all the teenagers I know don't listen to their parents... they talk back.. they aren't respectful... they don't care what their parents say or think about them... but I'm not like that at all. I obey my parents, I don't go behind their back, I try to do good in school so that I won't have to depend on them for college... I don't want them paying a dime. I respect my parents but most days it feels like a one way deal. Nothing in my life is private either... which might be ok for some people but for me it drives me insane because I'm a very private person and I like complete privacy... but I guess thats just part of being in a big family. Sorry for those that read my blog... it probab;y seems like I'm always complaing... I guess thats when I write though... My mom told me to get off the computer... shocker... I guess I'll write again when I get a chance.

I worked 36.5 hours this week... that's alot btw. Well life's everything that I could ask it to be... I'll be a senior this year, I have a job that I love, I have great parents. I can't help but feel lonely with no guy in my life, and never hanging out with friends, and not having Chantelle here. I just wish all this would hurry up and money would appear in my bank, My ACT would go up, I'd get scholarships to colleges and I would KNOW what college to go to so I could just go to college and start my life. But I can't just skip this last year... It's hard always looking at EVERYONE else... couples everywhere... I mean freaking 7 year olds have boy friends even if it's not serious... and I just have to tell myself that "Someday" someone descent will want me. I can't remember a time when a descent guy wanted me. The only guys that hit on me are ones that want to do me, or guys that are so weird it freaks me out... it makes me wonder if thats a hint... maybe there is something wrong with me that makes normal good guys not like me... but then I realize... wait.. I'm in Arkansas, I'm the only mormon in my school... there's not really many good guyis out there left... so I just keep telling myself that one day... when I get to college I'll find a great man, return missionary... who might see something in me, but what if I get to college and it's just a rerun from highschool, and I still get no normal guys... it's frustrating, I feel like I'll be single all my life, or that I'll just get so tired of waiting, that I'll settle for less. But don't worry, I'm sure God has a plan for me, and I'll just keep hoping for "Someday".
I don't need to worry about friends cause Family is the important thing right... so just cause I'm boring and there's nothing interesting about me, and no one wants to hang out with me, that's ok... cause I still have my Family and God, and that's all that really matters in the end.

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written on my blog! The few of you who might read my blog probably think I have fallen off the planet... Well the wedding (more than a month ago) was wonderful. No mattter how hard I might've tried to prepare for the wedding... nothing could've prepared me for it. Chantelle was so happy and her smile was from the soul... I tried so hard not to cry but I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face when she walked out of the temple... I could not contain my emotions... my heart was so full it was strange I've never felt so happy in my life... but at the same time my heart was breaking... I could hardly bear it... I got through it ok and convincingly but at the reception that is when it hit me the hardest I was fine until the daddy daughter dance and then just her and Zach... and I couldn't do it... all the pictures of us growing up... I didn't even know it was possible to feel so much pain and happiness all at once. I wasn't ready for her to get married, but thats just one of those changes in life that you have to deal with... that day is one that I'll never ever forget... and her face when she first walked out... she looked almost like an angel sent from heaven she looked perfect and I'll never forget the look on her face.
Well after the wedding I went to girls camp and had an ok time. I hated the bugs and the heat, and the fact that I was sleeping in my tent alone... But it was spiritually uplifting and I think I needed that.
My conway friends have moved on... replaced me so to say, which is how it's supposed to be when someone moves and I'm not going to push my way back in, I can accept when I'm not welcome anymore, It kinda hurt at first but thats all good... once again it's one of the many changes in life you have to deal with.
I'm really worried about a friend of mine. He is my best guy friend and usually he calls every few weeks and we check up on each other but I haven't talked to him since early May. I know he isn't at home... I think he has probably gotten himself into some trouble and the few people that know where he is, won't tell me... I wish I could just talk to him... but I can't. I miss him so much! Yes he drives me crazy some times cause he's so dramatic and NEVER thinks before he acts... but I've never met a better person, he has a good heart, that most people never see... but he is such a wonderful person... I just wish he would think about the consequences before he acted...
It's so weird when you think how much one decision can change your life, and others. We make so many decisions everyday, sometimes not realizing thier importance... but looking back, you see the impact they made.
Right now I am currently working at Pizza Classic and loving it... my bosses are so nice, I feel like I'm with family when I am working.
The missionaries and some friends are coming over so I ought to go... sorry it to so long to blog!!

Summer is almost here!

There is eight days left of school, and everyone is ready to get out. I like the end of the year cause everyone is in good spirit :) The heat is here too!! It is very hot, and I am VERY thankful we have a pool! I'm so excited! My sister is getting married in 2 weeks! It'll be fun to see family too. Well today is basically a free day at school, cause everyone is gone on a field trip except a few of us (literally!). So I haven't done anything all day! I watched The Blind Side first period, Avatar third period, and now we are watching The Blind Side fourth period. It should be a fun day! g2g cause alex wants to use the computer so ttyl!!

My life as it stands ... :)

Well, I got a 2nd job working at Rogers, a grocery store. I now work 6 days a week, Monday-Saturday. And boy is it tiring. but I know I need to get used to working and going to school, cause I'll have to do it in college, maybe if I get used to it now, it won't be as hard when I go to college. I currently got my ACT score up to a 26 composite score. I really need it to be around at least a 28 or higher. I think I can do that if I study pretty hard. I'm busy preparing for college, and trying to figure out where to go. I really want to go to BYUI, but Utah State looks pretty good to me too. I am also looking at Weber State, and Boise State, I want to see whats out there, so I know my options. I am currently in class watching the movie "UP" so I decided to update my life a bit. I also am not quite sure whether I want to be a spanish speaking pediatric oncologist nurse, an accountant, or something else. I really just want to be a mom, but I need to go to college, and be prepared for life you know. Now days you have to be prepared for everything, so thats why I need to get at least a Bachelors degree, so if my husband doesn't make enough, or if he loses his job, or if he dies, I will be able to support my family. Time flies so fast. I have less than a month left of my junior year, and then I'll be a senior. I know from now on time will be fast especially in my senior year, cause I'll be so busy with 2 jobs, and taking 3-4 AP classes, and one concurrent credit class. I'm glad I'll be busy though, cause thats what college will be like so I am glad I have the opportunity to get used to it while I'm still living with my parents. I wish everyone to have a fantastic day! :)

College, college, and more college!

I have literally 5 minutes before the bell rings for lunch... so sorry if its short. College stresses people out to much! It costs too much, and it's not like anyone actually has that much money so I don't see why its so high. Scholarships... whats up with colleges thinking everyone out there is smart?! Really after my hard work unless I get a 30 on my ACT, than I can kiss a full ride scholarship away, which I think is frankly dumb. I have a 4.0 GPA, and will graduate valedictorian, but unless I get a 30 or higher, I can't get a full ride scholarship. Whatever. Also since I want to go out of state for college if I go to Weber State, Utah State, or Boise State, I have to pay an arm and a leg to go there since I am not a resident. So unless I go to BYUI then I am screwed. I wanted to go to BYUI anyways but thought I would look at other schools, until I saw the prices for out of state tuition! and since I don't have a 30 on my ACT, I can't get a full ride scholarship to those schools. Luckily BYUI isn't the same g2g bell rang

My Sister Getting Married

Well, as many of you know, my sister Chantelle is getting married. This is so very exciting... but also heartbreaking. It's strange how something so good can also be sad. I am overjoyous about my sister getting married. It's like unreal to me because growing up we always talked about how we were going to do this and that when we grow up and get married. I feel as though my life has been swept out from under me. We grew up so fast! I don't know why it hit me so hard, or why I was so shocked. But I realized that our childhood is over. Chantelle is my best friend in the whole world.. I couldn't ask for a better sister. God knew that we would be perfect for each other. I guess I feel like Zach is stealing my sister. I know that sounds mean but thats how I feel. I know we will always be sisters but once she's married things will change, because she'll have him now. It's just another step in life, but I didn't realize that her getting married would be so hard for me. I've had her by my side since I was born. I've never been alone... ever.. until last may when she left for college and I felt as though she took a part of me with her. Still I pushed on knowing that she was just a phone call away.
I didn't know what alone really was until Chantelle left, and we moved to Hazen. I didn't realize how hard it would be to have no friends, and my sister gone... the one that i always talked too... knowing that even if I didn't have friends I would still have her so it would be ok. Now she is getting married and I am so happy for her I am so excited I literally screamed for like 5 minutes when she told me lol. I am happy that she found her soul mate.... it makes me realize more than anything that I am growing up too, I'll graduate next year and go to college and soon be in the same place as she is ... and though I've dreamed of this since I was a child... for once in my life I want it to slow down... but I can't time is always moving and life is always changing. Her wedding has brought me more happiness than I think I have ever felt in my whole life, and I am thankful for that. :)

My $50 bet....

Yes, me being me and always KNOWING that I'm right, made a $50 bet with my brother Alex last July. Just days after I broke up with my last boyfriend Jc, I fiercly told my whole family I wasn't going to date again until I went to college because High School boys are stupid. Alex seeing a golden opportunity said "Bet you $50 you will" and since I know I'm always right, I promised and bet $50 I wouldn't date anyone until I went to college. Well every time I talk to a guy Alex reminds me of our bet... I don't want to pay him $50 so I stay single. As time goes by this gets harder and harder to keep. Every guy that comes my way I tell them I'm not dating until college because I'm trying to focus on my academics and don't want to be distracted...
This has always worked before, until now. This one guy is determined that he will get me to go out with him. I've given him many excuses for why I can't date him including that I'd have to pay $50 to my brother... that doesn't phase him... he says he'll pay it. Well I'm in a rut now, cause I keep telling him I can't date him, and he keeps telling me he likes me and isn't giving up. He's so sweet, he makes me smile... but I don't like him... so now I have to show him my other side... My stubborn side he doesn't realize that I don't like him... and I feel horrible having to tell him this but I refuse to date someone who I don't like like that. I didn't even realize that I didn't like him until yesterday...
Oh well this is the life of a teenager and I only have a year and a half till college which sounds like a long time but time goes quickly for me since I stay busy. I'm sure the Lord has a plan for me I just don't know what he was thinking putting me in a town with no mormons and no friends. Everything I do I do for myself cause I know no one here cares which sucks but its alright cause I know that someday my faithfulness will pay off... I hope somewhere out there, there is a guy who is staying faithful and worthy just for me... and I'll find him someday :) Well I've gotta hope anyways...
As much trouble as my $50 bet has cost me... little did I know at the time... but it has helped me make the right choices so I thank my brother for challenging me... cause I refuse to let him win... so I know I'll stay clean and worthy and won't date... for some this would be really hard and most people couldn't do it but I know I can... I'm going to have a guy with me the rest of my life once I get married... So it doesn't hurt to enjoy my freedom while I have it! :) Guess I better go!

Love Ya! And thank you alex!

Happy Birthday Mother of 6!!!

To My Mama:

As most of you know, today is my Mama's birthday. So in honor of my lovely mother I'd like to tell her and the rest of you how special she is!
My mom is the best person I've ever met. She has the sweetest spirit and loves everyone! She never leaves anyone out and always has open arms. I am so proud to be her daughter. I know all of you would have chosen her to be your mother had she been able to have many more children, but 6 was all she could do... My mom is 40 today... but not really any older she still has the heart of a young lady. My mothers laugh is so contagious... when she laughs you laugh.. even if you're trying to be mad at her... you still laugh cause its so contagious.. My mother has a carefree spirit that most people don't get to see but she loves to have fun! She loves to sing and dance... though she rarely has time to... My Mama would do anything for her kids... she has already sacrificed so much! My mother is also VERY beautiful... partially cause she was born that way.. but also because her spirit shines through her so brightly. My mother is very understanding, and no matter what you've done she'll always understand and love you. I LOVE MY MOM WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL!!! Any of you who think she may be a bad mother are wrong... you obviously don't know anything about her. Being a mom is who she is, and I wouldn't trade her for anyone, any day. My mom is my hero. She has made me who I am today. She has taught me to love all and hate none. She has taught me not to judge, but to look for the best in everyone. She has taught me a love for the gospel, that I could only obtain through her example. She has taught me skills how to cook, and clean. She has taught me patience... she has raised and cared for me and brought me up perfectly. She has taught me how to be a mom, and I can only hope that someday when I have little ones of my own, that I can be at least half the mom, that she has been to me. I know why I chose her to be my mom... and I am so glad that I made that decision. My mom is my best friend. She doesn't know it but she is. I look up to her, and love it when I get to just talk with her about anything under the sun. My best days are when I get to be with my mom. I know when I am at my breaking point... that if I just spend one day at home with her... I'll feel better and have the strength to keep going. My mom is my hero and I love her more than she will ever know.
Mom, when you read this I hope you know how much you mean to me and how much you've blessed my life. And Always know that I Love You, and that your the Best Mom in the Whole Wide World!!! Thank You for everything!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Hey I'm in my free period right now so I thought I'd update you at school since our home computer is currently broken. Well I'm still taking Piano lessons from Sister Stotts and I'm getting better... I'm not so worried about scholarship applications anymore i figure I should just focus on my ACT score for now and I'll worry about scholarships next year. All through out high school I have been uder the assumption that since I try so hard to get good grades then I'll get a real good scholarship at college... But I have come to realize that this is not the case there are probably tons of people who apply to BYUI with wonderful grades and they obviously can't give scholarships to all of them. Therefore I am going to hope for the best but it won't shock me if i don't get any. I have also come to realize grades really aren't that important. Don't get me wrong I still have a 4.0 but I think A's and B's are good not just A's. For instance if I have a 93 instead of a 98 I'm not gonna freak out it's an A and thats good enough for me. I used to be obsessed with having close to perfect grades (High A's) But not anymore I'm just gonna do my best but still have fun :)
Prom is coming up and though last year i said i wouldn't go... I lied cause i want to go now! I'm actually pretty excited about it they go huge on prom here and its going to be lots of fun! i just have to find a drss that I like thats modest, or that I can make modest! :) No luck yet but I will find one eventually:).
Still no guy life but thats alright it doesn't bother me to much I know I'll get one eventually :P.
This summer I was planning to go to EFY but i changed my mind about that its just to expensive and it would probably be during Girls Camp. not that I'm planning on going to girls camp but just saying. i plan on getting my CNA this summer and getting a job at a nursing home come the new school year. Hopefully my plans will work out. I also plan on losing 15-25 pounds and getting a beautiful tan this summer.. hopefully that will work out too!
Well It's lunch time so g2g!
Hope everyone is doing well!
Write you next time I have a chance I promise! Love Ya!!

Why?

Well as usual I'm pretty busy... Haley my bestest friend in the whole wide world came over last weekend after super saturday and that was really fun! I am so glad God blessed me with her in my life! My life always feels like it just keeps going and going and I never get a break and alot of the time I don't even feel like it's my life I'm living but it is.... Right now I am pretty frustrated with one of my best friends... well he was one of my best friends anyways... I've tryed SOOOO hard to help him, I've spent more time talking to him then most other people in my life... I tryed to help him so hard for so long never giving up hoping that maybe just maybe I could make an impact for the better... but I didn't! He just gave up! I don't understand why he wouldn't try why he still doesn't want to ... why he won''t fight for it... it makes me so very angry cause I wish I could fight for him, and change his life for him... but I can't... I guess its so hard for me to understand because I don't give up for anything... its just part of who i am... I am a hardworker... so I have a hard time understanding why he keeps giving up... why he won't work for it... why he doesn't want to... The problem is that I am close with him so it hurts that he won't listen to me... its hard for me cause I KNOW that I am right but he just won't listen... I helped him fix his life just for him to throw it all away... I feel like I've lost a friend... he's certainly lost my trust sadly... Its just sucks that I've tryed so hard for so long to help someone who doesn't want my help... and frankly won't accept it... I hope someone somewhere can help him... cause I couldn't.... so I'll just go on with my life, I mean whatelse can I do? He doesn't want my help and I can't help him if he won't listen... So I'll pray that someone else somewhere can help him, cause I give up... I can't do this anymore... I guess thats all... just frustrated...

The Flood in Lonoke...

Well these are pictures of the flood in Lonoke about a week ago... The one of the blue car isn't good quality cause I was trying to use night vision cause it was dark but didn't really know how... lol I'll have to mess with my camera to figure out how to take pictures at night... the rest of the pictures were taken in the day time so they turned out fine. Anyways these floods are pretty bad eh? Just thought I'd show you cause It's pretty interesting to me :P

New Look on My Blog and Life :)

So today I was getting over my stomache virus and I sat with my mom and designed this new blog look! She did all the technical stuff but i designed it :) I LOVE IT!!! It is TOTALLY me :D So I guess I have a bit to catch ya'll up on... haha that s understatement... sorry I haven't been writing since like well a while... but believe it or not us teenagers have busy lifes! oh well so I got a Purple camera for christmas and so when i have time i will be taking pictures to post on here... umm.... well I took a trip to Minnesota about 2 weeks ago and it was a blast! I guess well I realized that there are many blessings in life... though at the time some things might seem like a curse and you don't understand why it has to be that way.... when you look back years later you may realize that what you thought was a curse was actually a blessing... and I guess I got a whole new look on life... For many monthes I have had a really hard time adjusting to my new life so to say, I went from building my self off other mormons... a place where my only friends were mormon... to a place where there was no mormons... I was it. Normally I adjust to changes very well but man I have just felt so alone... I've never made friends easliy either so I've basically been a loner. I finally made a few good friends that I enjoy being around... one of them is trying to convert me to baptist but thats alright cause he's a nice guy :) I don't know I guess for a while my outlook on life has just been to get through these last 2 years of high school and then I can live my life and go to BYUI. The thing is I don't want to do that anymore... I still want to go to BYUI but I don't want to wait till college to live my life... I want to live it NOW. I can still prepare for my future but I don't want to be a Zombie I want to make a difference and have fun while I'm doing it :) It might sound crazy but anything is possible right? Like President Monson said "Find Joy in Today". Well I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna find joy in today :) So anyways I was so Happy to see Snow in Minnesota and I loved the cold air i felt like I could breathe! Thats when i decided I'm a northern person I don't care where I live so long as it's north and not south... no offense southerners but I think I'm more of a northern person... Oh and by the way for those of you who don't know I'm waiting to date anyone till I'm in college cause I've decided High School Boys don't know anything... It feels like forever till college but thats alright I think I'll just focus on the rest of my life at this time... be a kid, and have some fun you know? I used to worry about knowing who was meant for me you know, I mean how do you KNOW that he's the one you know... but then a wise person told me that it's the most important decision you make in your life and that God will tell you... I guess that wiped away my worries :) I know life's not easy... nor is it always pleasing... But your outlook on it is your choice and I can choose to look at it with optimism... or pessimism... I choose Optimism :) Well I guess You sorta got an update of my life.. well actually just a whole lot of babbling in between trying to update you ... lol sorry guys :P I guess I better go cause I'm gonna put some pics on here for ya'll :) hopefully I'll write again soon! Remember:"Find Joy in Today"!