Tired

I'm tired. Emotionally and physically.  I'm tired of always going going going.  I'm tired of trting and failing.  I'm tired of letting myself down.  I'm tired of fake teenagers. In essence im tired of my life... which will get me no where since it isn't leaving.  I did bad on a test the other day but it is my fault, and I feel like such a let down to the teacher.  I'm tired of kids only talking to me when they have a homework question.  I'm tired of the act. I'm tired of always being tired.  I'm tired of never being good enough. I'm tired of eating and reading and everything really.  Why am i so tired?  Why am I so frustrated? Why can't I sleep? Why does it bother me so much that nobody cares? Why don't I understand myself?  IDK. I am frustrated and I don't even know why.  I'm ready for my life to get to the point where it stops changing and settles down.  But before I get there I have to apply for college, fill out scholarship applications, keep my grades up, take my ACT again, work at pizza classic, do my seminary work, try to have a relationship, try to share the gospel... all this for what?  It's worth it in the end I know, and thats why I'm still trying to do all that, because I know one day when my life does settle down, I will be thankful I did all this.  I'm thankful for the blessings I have in my life, I really am.  I'm thankful that I have such a wonderful boyfriend, I'm thankful that I was born of goodly parents, I'm thankful for my past and what I've learned from it, I'm thankful for the gospel and what a big role it plays in my life. I'm thankful for teachers and how much they can trully teach you, not just bookwise but life wise. I'm thankful for the gifts in my life.  I'm sorry I complained, I'm frustrated with things right now thats all... just a bad day  i guess.  I shouldn't let things get to me.  I just need to be grateful for all that I have, and be optimistic.

War is ironically inhumane....

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote. I'm still dating Andi, and loving every minute of it!  For a while there I was pretty boggled with school work, but I think I got it under control now. The work hasn't decreased any, I just manage my time better now.  In my AP Literature and Composition class we have been reading and excerpt from The Things They Carried.  Mrs. Cox is my English teacher but Mr. Bradow who his head of the Hazen Harold has been coming in and teaching us three days a week. The way he goes about his life, and the way he talks and teaches, you can tell that he has been through life and he has a lot of knowledge and wisdom.  I think I'll remember his teachings more than any of my other teachers this year.  He has been teaching us how to annotate stories.  At first I thought this was stupid and had no point. You see he annotates EVERYTHING he reads.. he doesn't just read a book, he annotates is, for himself.  At first I thought this strange wondering if he had a life.  But then I took it from a different perspective and realized if we all annotated more, we would learn a lot more.  What I have learned in the brief time of annotating is that there is deeper meaning to books. I often read for the story, and that is what I remember, I don't usually take lessons from books, i read for entertainment.  When you annotate a book, you put 2 and 2 together, and you solve a puzzle, you get past the surface, and in turn learn something that you wouldn't have gotten had you just read it.  Today after annotating The Things They Carried I realized something about war.  War is in an ironic way inhumane.  I mean when you think about it, we ourselves create the war, we think that the only way to solve a disagreement is to fight about it, and see who is stronger.  We fight for a purpose, we fight to better our country, to protect it.  But while we are fighting for our country as a whole, we are tearing the individual soldiers down.  Yes they want to fight for their country.  However... think about what it does to them emotionally.  It doesn't matter how tough, and strong you are. Or how mean and violent you may be.  No matter the person you are... it hurts you to see other human beings suffer as they do in war.  No matter the person suffering, whether good or bad, they have feelings, thoughts, a past, a present, and sometimes a future.  They are human just like you are. They carry burdens just like you do.  And they are children of God just like you are.  Though we, humans, create war, no one can come out of war without a scar, without memories that will be with them forever, no one will forget the human suffering they saw, heard, and felt.  And yet we continue to fight, to have war, century after century. We know no other way to solve our disagreements.  And we continue to scar lives, for the sake of a better country, for the sake of a better future, we fight for the people.  War is ironically inhumane.  I have complete and utter respect for those who fight for our country, I have a better understanding of what they go through, and the things they carry with them, the burdens that may never go away, but they keep fighting, doing the job that no one else wants to do.  I think if we took our scriptures and annotated them like I annotated these few pages today, we could learn a lot more about Christ, and his plan for us.  We could get so much out of just digging deeper and going beyond the surface.  That's what I'm thinking about tonight...

Temple Trip

I only have a few minutes until Andi picks me up so I'll make it quick. I got to go to the temple today. I was so excited to go, I wish I could go everyweek, the feeling of peace there is like no other place.  I still feel the spirit and am just so happy I could do the lords work. I walked the temple grounds after doing baptisms and was amazed once again by the beauty there. Today I thought how cool it is that I was able to go the lords house, to think that only truly clean people on the inside and out can enter just adds to the beauty and spirit of the temple.  I love going to the temple because it reminds me of how I need to be living my life.  Sometimes in the rush of my life I forget whats important, and today I had such a feeling of peace and happiness reminding me of the lord and how I need to be preparing for the second coming... no one knows when it will be, but to think that it is soon, made me think of the people in the Book of Mormon and Bible who were so excited for the lord to come, and how they prepared for years... and then I thought, I am in a similar situation... to think that I, just like those in the Book of Mormon and Bible get to spend my life preparing for the lord to come... well it is amazing.  This year I am really trying to make the lord a big part of my life... read my scriptures and pray every night, and take notes in seminary so I can get something from it... and it is making such a BIG difference, the spirit is with me and I have such a feeling of peace that everything will work out.  Anyways I'm just so glad I got to go to the temple today, it really reminded me of why I am here :)  Just thought  I'd share my experience:)

Church, Friends, and my mom:)

Well I'll be 18 in two days... and I have decided to go to relief society. I think I will get a lot more out of church if I'm in relief society and don't joke around. Plus I want to go to Gospel Doctrines with Andi when he comes to church with me. So tonight is my last mutual. It's bittersweet cause I won't be going with the youth anymore... but i'm moving on to the next step in my life.
I've found out lately that when I open up my mouth and talk, i make a lot of friends... if only i had known this my first 18 years lol. I miss my bestie Haley so much... I wish she was here with me so I could share my exciting life with her like I used to. She is my other half and I can't wait till our next girl time lol. My life has changed so drastically in the last month it is unbelievable! I never would have thought that I would be where I am today and that any of this would be happening. For those of you who don't know... i've met myself a dream guy. He is better than me actually and really respectful and he just rocks my world:) As for my mom... I just thought I'd let you all know that I love her to death:) She has such a sweet spirit and I'm proud that I can call her my mama. As I reach my 18th year I have to say she has done a pretty good job raising me right, ya'll can say what you want but I KNOW that my mama is the best one out there and a blessing in my life =D  Thats all for now... have a terrific day!

My day with Andi =D

Well Andi picked me up at 7:45 am to take me farming with him. I was super tired at first... but after a few hours I finally woke up lol.  He drives the grain cart so we rode in the tractor and pulled the grain cart.. and when the combine got full we pulled over to the combine and got the grain and then drove over to the main place to drop it off... and then did it again. We did that for many hours until we finished cutting corn. To most of ya'll that probably sounds really boring... but suprisingly it wasn't... like at all I quite enjoyed it. We just got to talk for a LONG time lol. Oh and he let me drive the tractor too :) Then he let me drive his truck home while he finished up some things and I got all cleaned up and then went back and picked him up and then I got to meet his grandparents who were very nice. Then I drove him to his house and talked to his mom while he got all cleaned up. Then we went to Little Rock and ate dinner. I told him to go somewhere cheap... but he wanted to take me somewhere nice for some reason. Then we went to walmart and got some country cd's and then came home. All in all it was a wonderful day. I laughed and couldn't stop smiling all day. I Can't really believe I met someone like that. He is so respectful... and such a gentleman. I don't think there is a better guy out there. I had so much fun with him... still can't believe it... but it's true :) Life is so unexpected sometimes!!

My date and my roommate...

Well I went on a date last night with Andi Mack. He is a real country boy and gentleman. All my doors were opened for me and he was very respectful. He works on a farm from 5:45 till 8 or 9 ish everyday. Well he told me he would pick me up at 7 but got there at 6:40... I wasn't quite ready since I thought I still had 20 minutes... but luckily all I had to do was my make-up and that only took a minute. I decided to curl my hair and make it cute and I guess I shouldn't have cause I burnt my face... lol I was mortified at first but he didn't seem to care so I kinda forgot about it.. though I thought it was hilarious that I burnt my face with the curling iron right before my date... typical me... anyways he told me all about the ppl and farms that we passed as we drove to Cabot where we ate at the Dixie Cafe, a country food restaurant, it was really good! Then we had to run to walmart cause the ppl we were with (Jake and Megan) had to get something there so we just walked around and he showed me some guns and the ones he hunts with and how they work... it was really interesting actually. Then we went bowling and I got a 23! Lol apparently bowling isn't my talent but it was fun. Then we played pool and he won one game and I won one game. Then he took me home and his mom gave us more okra. All in all it was a really good night I laughed a lot and enjoyed being with a real gentleman... I have never met a guy who is more respectful. He wants to take me farming with him this saturday to show me how it all works, that should be fun :)
On to my roommate... well as you know brianna and me have some room conflicts... this is due to the fact that I want a clean and tidy room, and she enjoys destroying the room... not really sure why. It drives me crazy though! I can't even think in a messy rooom and no matter how many times I clean it she destroys it within 24 hours. so today we set up boundaries... I get one half of the room and she gets the other. My stuff goes on myh side and her stuff goes on her side. I hang up my own clothes and she hangs up hers. I'm hoping this new method will help both of us because I can keep my side of the room clean and tidy while she can do what she wants with her side. Well I only had 30 minutes and it's up now so I g2g. ♥ Love Ya!

Senior Year coming up...

Well youth conference was amazing. I had the time of my life. I met a boy that rocked my world for the weekend... and the spirit there was so strong... there is nothing like 1300 LDS youth together for the weekend... it was an experience I know I'll never forget.
I guess going into my senior year has caused me to reflect on my life... the good and the bad. I think for the first time.. I understand why I am the way I am. This is a good thing because when I understand my faults I can change them and improve myself. I'll be 18 in exactly one month and I am coming up on my last year of high school, my last year in this house, my last year of my childhood. I want so bad to just have fun this last year... before I have to be an adult and pay bills and be responsible... I want to make memories this last year. The problem is... I have no one to make memories with.. My sister lives in Idaho... all my friends are in Conway... I have friends here but none of them are interested in actually hanging out with me ... they just want to be my friend at school. I don't have a boyfriend or anything like that... so my mission of having a blast my senior year, and making memories... doesn't look like it is going to happen. My senior year will most likely consist of Lots of homework and studdying from AP classes, work, college applications, scholarship applications, and my parents stressing me out about how I am going to pay for my school. Thats the story of my life though... it's never been about having fun and enjoying your childhood... it's always been about responsibillity... I think the word "Fun" and "Emily" were never meant to be put in the same sentence. Maybe thats the way God wanted it to be though... I mean he moved me to Hazen... so I guess even though I feel so boring and like I have no life... maybe it's just not my turn to have fun yet... maybe it never will be I don't really know... One thing I do know is that while I want my senior year to last... at the same time I want it to fly by so i can move out and be my own person. I hate being told what to do... I have my independence you know... and it drives me crazy that I'm still living in this house... still having to listen to my parents... I want to make my own rules and my own decisions... but I feel like my family is just a big circle closing in around me constantly... they act like I'm the worst person in the world... always disapppionting them... they don't realize what a good kid I am... all the teenagers I know don't listen to their parents... they talk back.. they aren't respectful... they don't care what their parents say or think about them... but I'm not like that at all. I obey my parents, I don't go behind their back, I try to do good in school so that I won't have to depend on them for college... I don't want them paying a dime. I respect my parents but most days it feels like a one way deal. Nothing in my life is private either... which might be ok for some people but for me it drives me insane because I'm a very private person and I like complete privacy... but I guess thats just part of being in a big family. Sorry for those that read my blog... it probab;y seems like I'm always complaing... I guess thats when I write though... My mom told me to get off the computer... shocker... I guess I'll write again when I get a chance.

I worked 36.5 hours this week... that's alot btw. Well life's everything that I could ask it to be... I'll be a senior this year, I have a job that I love, I have great parents. I can't help but feel lonely with no guy in my life, and never hanging out with friends, and not having Chantelle here. I just wish all this would hurry up and money would appear in my bank, My ACT would go up, I'd get scholarships to colleges and I would KNOW what college to go to so I could just go to college and start my life. But I can't just skip this last year... It's hard always looking at EVERYONE else... couples everywhere... I mean freaking 7 year olds have boy friends even if it's not serious... and I just have to tell myself that "Someday" someone descent will want me. I can't remember a time when a descent guy wanted me. The only guys that hit on me are ones that want to do me, or guys that are so weird it freaks me out... it makes me wonder if thats a hint... maybe there is something wrong with me that makes normal good guys not like me... but then I realize... wait.. I'm in Arkansas, I'm the only mormon in my school... there's not really many good guyis out there left... so I just keep telling myself that one day... when I get to college I'll find a great man, return missionary... who might see something in me, but what if I get to college and it's just a rerun from highschool, and I still get no normal guys... it's frustrating, I feel like I'll be single all my life, or that I'll just get so tired of waiting, that I'll settle for less. But don't worry, I'm sure God has a plan for me, and I'll just keep hoping for "Someday".
I don't need to worry about friends cause Family is the important thing right... so just cause I'm boring and there's nothing interesting about me, and no one wants to hang out with me, that's ok... cause I still have my Family and God, and that's all that really matters in the end.

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written on my blog! The few of you who might read my blog probably think I have fallen off the planet... Well the wedding (more than a month ago) was wonderful. No mattter how hard I might've tried to prepare for the wedding... nothing could've prepared me for it. Chantelle was so happy and her smile was from the soul... I tried so hard not to cry but I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face when she walked out of the temple... I could not contain my emotions... my heart was so full it was strange I've never felt so happy in my life... but at the same time my heart was breaking... I could hardly bear it... I got through it ok and convincingly but at the reception that is when it hit me the hardest I was fine until the daddy daughter dance and then just her and Zach... and I couldn't do it... all the pictures of us growing up... I didn't even know it was possible to feel so much pain and happiness all at once. I wasn't ready for her to get married, but thats just one of those changes in life that you have to deal with... that day is one that I'll never ever forget... and her face when she first walked out... she looked almost like an angel sent from heaven she looked perfect and I'll never forget the look on her face.
Well after the wedding I went to girls camp and had an ok time. I hated the bugs and the heat, and the fact that I was sleeping in my tent alone... But it was spiritually uplifting and I think I needed that.
My conway friends have moved on... replaced me so to say, which is how it's supposed to be when someone moves and I'm not going to push my way back in, I can accept when I'm not welcome anymore, It kinda hurt at first but thats all good... once again it's one of the many changes in life you have to deal with.
I'm really worried about a friend of mine. He is my best guy friend and usually he calls every few weeks and we check up on each other but I haven't talked to him since early May. I know he isn't at home... I think he has probably gotten himself into some trouble and the few people that know where he is, won't tell me... I wish I could just talk to him... but I can't. I miss him so much! Yes he drives me crazy some times cause he's so dramatic and NEVER thinks before he acts... but I've never met a better person, he has a good heart, that most people never see... but he is such a wonderful person... I just wish he would think about the consequences before he acted...
It's so weird when you think how much one decision can change your life, and others. We make so many decisions everyday, sometimes not realizing thier importance... but looking back, you see the impact they made.
Right now I am currently working at Pizza Classic and loving it... my bosses are so nice, I feel like I'm with family when I am working.
The missionaries and some friends are coming over so I ought to go... sorry it to so long to blog!!

Summer is almost here!

There is eight days left of school, and everyone is ready to get out. I like the end of the year cause everyone is in good spirit :) The heat is here too!! It is very hot, and I am VERY thankful we have a pool! I'm so excited! My sister is getting married in 2 weeks! It'll be fun to see family too. Well today is basically a free day at school, cause everyone is gone on a field trip except a few of us (literally!). So I haven't done anything all day! I watched The Blind Side first period, Avatar third period, and now we are watching The Blind Side fourth period. It should be a fun day! g2g cause alex wants to use the computer so ttyl!!