This too shall pass.

Well, i broke up with Andi.  Break-ups are never easy, but this was definately one of the harder break ups. People think I am a horrible person for breaking up with him, but I knew it wasn't going to work so why pretend and keep going?  I had very good reasons for why we broke up, reasons that I couldn't ignore.  Andi is a great guy, one of the best out there, but I wouldn't be happy marrying him someday, so as much as I loved him I had to end it.  I wish i could tell you all the reasons why it wouldn't work. I wish you all could understand.  I wish people would try to understand before judging me... but thats not the way it works.  I have explained why it had to end so many times now that I'm tired of saying it.  I want to leave so bad.  I want to just leave and never look back.  I want to go to BYUI, and pursue my dreams.  I want to get my degree and then be a mom, a really good mom.  I don't want to be in this state anymore.  I want to get out of this house, but there is no where to go, since this town is so small.  I'm looking at my options of what I could do, and where I could go.  Maybe I'll spend my summer with my sister or my grandma or somewhere other than here.  Or maybe I'll be stuck here in this podunk town.  Maybe I'll get somewhere in life and maybe i won't.  Maybe my dreams of getting my degree and then settling down and being a stay-at-home mom are unreasonable.  Maybe thats not possible these days.  But it doesn't hurt to try.  I have worked hard all my life, getting good grades so I can get scholarships hopefully, learning to cook, and train myself on motherly skills so that one day I can get where I want.  People tell me it isn't going to happen.  Maybe it won't.  But I want it so bad, and I know there is someone else out there who wants their wife to stay home and be a mom.  I'm not alone on this theory... maybe here in Hazen I am... but there are others out there and I will find them.  I know what I want, and I have the American Dream that with enough hard work, eventually i can get there.  I feel like a terrible person, but i prayed about my decision, I know what I want, and I believe that God will help me get there. If I have dissapointed you in my decisions I am sorry, but this is the path I want to go.  I am not here to please other people, I am not here to make everyone else happy.  I have to live my life in a way that will work for me and one day my children and husband. Its hard right now, i'm not going to lie.  But this too shall pass.  One day maybe people will forgive me for deciding to pursue my dreams... I want to be a mom, thats what I dreamed of as a little girl, and its what I still dream of as a Young Adult.  I'm not giving up my dream of being a stay at home mom, when that dream is still in reach, when I know its possible to have that in my future.