Well we get this whole week off for thanksgiving break, and pizza classic is closed, and the car broke down.  So I get the whole week to spend with my family:)  I can't remember the last time I was home for a whole week, I am usually going, going, going ALL the time.  I am lost, I don't know what to do with all this time... crazy I know but its true... I am SOOOO excited to go visit my sister for christmas, 3 more weeks and then I will be in Idaho:) I will be there for 2 weeks and I am just so excited to get an escape from my own life and to be with my sister and some extended family.  I miss her so much, I get by fine without her, but I am more myself when she is around, I grew up with her by my side non-stop so it was weird when she left and for the first time my childhood companion was gone.  I am used to it now, but still miss her tons!!! I still haven't gotten my application in for BYU and BYUI... I have everything done except my eccliastical endorsement , I got my interviews finished and then found out you don't mail it in, your bishop/branch president are supposed to submit it online.  My branch president is currently in Wyoming for Thanksgiving so it looks like I won't get it turned in for at least a week.  The priority deadline is Dec. 1st.  It looks like I'll be cutting it close.  I fear that since it took me so long, that all the scholarships will be given out already.  I can't afford college.  I may have to get student loans... i don't want to but I'm not skipping my education.  My mom just got home and told me to do the dishes, and complained about the laundry not being put away and about some stuff on her bed.  I don't know why she hs to complain about us doing everything wrong.  I just spent all morning deep cleaning my room and she gets offended cause the dishes aren't done.  My whole life doesn't revolve around the house you know.  I have 2 weeks left of my last first semester of high school.  I am constantly working on college crap and my classes are hard and require a lot of work.  I have a job.  Why do you think my life doesn't revolve around the house?  Cause i have more pressing matters!  Whatever... why would my parents care if I am stressed all the time non-stop because I have to make so many important decisions in such a short amount of time. Whatever chores chores chores... thats all that matters apparently.

IDK.IDK.IDK.

I just spent the day at ASUBeebe.  We learned how to use college libraries and stuff like that.  Then our teacher went over our research papers.  It was fun to skip school and do something like this.  There are only 6 students in this class so it wasn't crowded or rowdy.
Right now I am really wishing I knew all the answers to my life right now.  There are so many decisions to make.  I feel like I am walking on a tight rope.  I know what I've always pictured my life would be like after high school... and then theres reality.  IDK where I am going from here, what I am going to do, which college I am going to... IDK anything right now other than my name.

Well, my life is finally moving on. I think last week was like trudging through mud. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I didn't get any sleep and I flunked the ACT badly as a result. I didn't realize how tired I was until I came home after the ACT and slept from 2-6, and then the following day did the same thing. Today is the first day in a while that I actually did my hair and make-up. Let me tell you, actually getting ready for the day makes a HUGE difference lol. Well I have been busy lately. I am trying to apply for BYU Provo, and BYU Idaho, and I have to write essays for them. I hate writing essays because that is my worst area academically. I can do math and science and history... but english is another story. English makes me so frustrated. It's funny cause english should be the easiest... but each to thier own. Hopefully I get to visit my bestie haley this weekend. I seriously need a girl day. I need to just have fun and get away from this town for a few days;) I guess right now I am trying to plan the rest of my life and I am a bit indecisive. I'm not focused on having a lot of fun my senior year anymore. I can't afford to goof off. I have a B in one class and need to bring it up. Maybe if I try a little harder, I can get my ACT up a bit more. just a hope... not a big deal if I don't. I am resigned to solitude. Why try to be friends with everyone when it will just pressure me to test my standards. I know who I am. I know what is expected of me. I know what will make me happy. And the silly things that make other teenagers happy don't make me happy. I'm independent and don't mind being alone. I don't know what I want with my life right now... I don't know where I want to go to school. I know for sure I don't want to date anybody. Not for quite a while... maybe when I go to college I'll date again idk. I can see my future exactly how i want it... but then an instant later it changes. All I know is that I'm thankful for Family. In the end they are all that matters. Family is everything. I'm thankful for my family. Especially Alex right now. He doesn't know it but he is my best friend. He is a teenager, he goes to my school, and we are the only mormons in school... living the life lol. I'm thankful that God blessed me with a brother that I get along with so well, and I'm thankful he is so close in Age. Most of all i'm thankful for his laughter and humor in life. He laughs at everything. So when life sucks, I know my brother can make me laugh... whatever it is that sucks... he can make it look as though it was all a joke, a hilarious one. He understands me, better than almost anyone. I don't know what I would de without him, I'm thankful that he is here with me my last year. Cause Heaven knows i needed him. God must've known we would be best friends, that must be why we were born so close to eachother, why we have always gone to the same school, and why we understand eachother. He laughs at me when no one else does... he notices when I trip or randomly drop my keys, he laughs when I ask a question that no one else would ever ask... Just wanted to say that I love my brother Alex and am overly thankful that God blessed me with him. Might I had that If he were any younger, he would drive me insane, but he isn't, he is just the right age:) Gotta Love him:)

This too shall pass.

Well, i broke up with Andi.  Break-ups are never easy, but this was definately one of the harder break ups. People think I am a horrible person for breaking up with him, but I knew it wasn't going to work so why pretend and keep going?  I had very good reasons for why we broke up, reasons that I couldn't ignore.  Andi is a great guy, one of the best out there, but I wouldn't be happy marrying him someday, so as much as I loved him I had to end it.  I wish i could tell you all the reasons why it wouldn't work. I wish you all could understand.  I wish people would try to understand before judging me... but thats not the way it works.  I have explained why it had to end so many times now that I'm tired of saying it.  I want to leave so bad.  I want to just leave and never look back.  I want to go to BYUI, and pursue my dreams.  I want to get my degree and then be a mom, a really good mom.  I don't want to be in this state anymore.  I want to get out of this house, but there is no where to go, since this town is so small.  I'm looking at my options of what I could do, and where I could go.  Maybe I'll spend my summer with my sister or my grandma or somewhere other than here.  Or maybe I'll be stuck here in this podunk town.  Maybe I'll get somewhere in life and maybe i won't.  Maybe my dreams of getting my degree and then settling down and being a stay-at-home mom are unreasonable.  Maybe thats not possible these days.  But it doesn't hurt to try.  I have worked hard all my life, getting good grades so I can get scholarships hopefully, learning to cook, and train myself on motherly skills so that one day I can get where I want.  People tell me it isn't going to happen.  Maybe it won't.  But I want it so bad, and I know there is someone else out there who wants their wife to stay home and be a mom.  I'm not alone on this theory... maybe here in Hazen I am... but there are others out there and I will find them.  I know what I want, and I have the American Dream that with enough hard work, eventually i can get there.  I feel like a terrible person, but i prayed about my decision, I know what I want, and I believe that God will help me get there. If I have dissapointed you in my decisions I am sorry, but this is the path I want to go.  I am not here to please other people, I am not here to make everyone else happy.  I have to live my life in a way that will work for me and one day my children and husband. Its hard right now, i'm not going to lie.  But this too shall pass.  One day maybe people will forgive me for deciding to pursue my dreams... I want to be a mom, thats what I dreamed of as a little girl, and its what I still dream of as a Young Adult.  I'm not giving up my dream of being a stay at home mom, when that dream is still in reach, when I know its possible to have that in my future.

What happens, happens.

Wow, I think I am bipolar lol.  One day I am happy as can be and the next I am confused, lost, and grouchy.  This must be due to stress.  This year is the year that I plan the rest of my life.  I am constantly under stress of which school to go to, what to major in, getting enough money for school... am i going to go to Idaho or stay in Arkansas?  Am I going to stay living with my parents or move out and live my life?  Is this guy THE guy?  All of these questions and no answers.  All these decisions that I have to make.  And as much as I want to graduate and get out of here and live my life, I also want to be a kid, enjoy my youth, have fun.  This is my last year of high school and strangely I want it to stretch itself out.  I want it to last, cause once my after high school life starts, I know I will never be the same... and I won't have the freedom and lack of responsibillity I have as a teenager.  I don't really know anything right now, but I am perfectly ok with that cause quite honestly I don't want to know yet, I don't want to know where the rest of my life is going.  I just want to live day by day right now.  Is this a mistake?  I hope not... but for once in my life, I'm not going to worry about the future... what happens, happens.  That is my attitude right now :) 

Tired

I'm tired. Emotionally and physically.  I'm tired of always going going going.  I'm tired of trting and failing.  I'm tired of letting myself down.  I'm tired of fake teenagers. In essence im tired of my life... which will get me no where since it isn't leaving.  I did bad on a test the other day but it is my fault, and I feel like such a let down to the teacher.  I'm tired of kids only talking to me when they have a homework question.  I'm tired of the act. I'm tired of always being tired.  I'm tired of never being good enough. I'm tired of eating and reading and everything really.  Why am i so tired?  Why am I so frustrated? Why can't I sleep? Why does it bother me so much that nobody cares? Why don't I understand myself?  IDK. I am frustrated and I don't even know why.  I'm ready for my life to get to the point where it stops changing and settles down.  But before I get there I have to apply for college, fill out scholarship applications, keep my grades up, take my ACT again, work at pizza classic, do my seminary work, try to have a relationship, try to share the gospel... all this for what?  It's worth it in the end I know, and thats why I'm still trying to do all that, because I know one day when my life does settle down, I will be thankful I did all this.  I'm thankful for the blessings I have in my life, I really am.  I'm thankful that I have such a wonderful boyfriend, I'm thankful that I was born of goodly parents, I'm thankful for my past and what I've learned from it, I'm thankful for the gospel and what a big role it plays in my life. I'm thankful for teachers and how much they can trully teach you, not just bookwise but life wise. I'm thankful for the gifts in my life.  I'm sorry I complained, I'm frustrated with things right now thats all... just a bad day  i guess.  I shouldn't let things get to me.  I just need to be grateful for all that I have, and be optimistic.

War is ironically inhumane....

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote. I'm still dating Andi, and loving every minute of it!  For a while there I was pretty boggled with school work, but I think I got it under control now. The work hasn't decreased any, I just manage my time better now.  In my AP Literature and Composition class we have been reading and excerpt from The Things They Carried.  Mrs. Cox is my English teacher but Mr. Bradow who his head of the Hazen Harold has been coming in and teaching us three days a week. The way he goes about his life, and the way he talks and teaches, you can tell that he has been through life and he has a lot of knowledge and wisdom.  I think I'll remember his teachings more than any of my other teachers this year.  He has been teaching us how to annotate stories.  At first I thought this was stupid and had no point. You see he annotates EVERYTHING he reads.. he doesn't just read a book, he annotates is, for himself.  At first I thought this strange wondering if he had a life.  But then I took it from a different perspective and realized if we all annotated more, we would learn a lot more.  What I have learned in the brief time of annotating is that there is deeper meaning to books. I often read for the story, and that is what I remember, I don't usually take lessons from books, i read for entertainment.  When you annotate a book, you put 2 and 2 together, and you solve a puzzle, you get past the surface, and in turn learn something that you wouldn't have gotten had you just read it.  Today after annotating The Things They Carried I realized something about war.  War is in an ironic way inhumane.  I mean when you think about it, we ourselves create the war, we think that the only way to solve a disagreement is to fight about it, and see who is stronger.  We fight for a purpose, we fight to better our country, to protect it.  But while we are fighting for our country as a whole, we are tearing the individual soldiers down.  Yes they want to fight for their country.  However... think about what it does to them emotionally.  It doesn't matter how tough, and strong you are. Or how mean and violent you may be.  No matter the person you are... it hurts you to see other human beings suffer as they do in war.  No matter the person suffering, whether good or bad, they have feelings, thoughts, a past, a present, and sometimes a future.  They are human just like you are. They carry burdens just like you do.  And they are children of God just like you are.  Though we, humans, create war, no one can come out of war without a scar, without memories that will be with them forever, no one will forget the human suffering they saw, heard, and felt.  And yet we continue to fight, to have war, century after century. We know no other way to solve our disagreements.  And we continue to scar lives, for the sake of a better country, for the sake of a better future, we fight for the people.  War is ironically inhumane.  I have complete and utter respect for those who fight for our country, I have a better understanding of what they go through, and the things they carry with them, the burdens that may never go away, but they keep fighting, doing the job that no one else wants to do.  I think if we took our scriptures and annotated them like I annotated these few pages today, we could learn a lot more about Christ, and his plan for us.  We could get so much out of just digging deeper and going beyond the surface.  That's what I'm thinking about tonight...

Temple Trip

I only have a few minutes until Andi picks me up so I'll make it quick. I got to go to the temple today. I was so excited to go, I wish I could go everyweek, the feeling of peace there is like no other place.  I still feel the spirit and am just so happy I could do the lords work. I walked the temple grounds after doing baptisms and was amazed once again by the beauty there. Today I thought how cool it is that I was able to go the lords house, to think that only truly clean people on the inside and out can enter just adds to the beauty and spirit of the temple.  I love going to the temple because it reminds me of how I need to be living my life.  Sometimes in the rush of my life I forget whats important, and today I had such a feeling of peace and happiness reminding me of the lord and how I need to be preparing for the second coming... no one knows when it will be, but to think that it is soon, made me think of the people in the Book of Mormon and Bible who were so excited for the lord to come, and how they prepared for years... and then I thought, I am in a similar situation... to think that I, just like those in the Book of Mormon and Bible get to spend my life preparing for the lord to come... well it is amazing.  This year I am really trying to make the lord a big part of my life... read my scriptures and pray every night, and take notes in seminary so I can get something from it... and it is making such a BIG difference, the spirit is with me and I have such a feeling of peace that everything will work out.  Anyways I'm just so glad I got to go to the temple today, it really reminded me of why I am here :)  Just thought  I'd share my experience:)

Church, Friends, and my mom:)

Well I'll be 18 in two days... and I have decided to go to relief society. I think I will get a lot more out of church if I'm in relief society and don't joke around. Plus I want to go to Gospel Doctrines with Andi when he comes to church with me. So tonight is my last mutual. It's bittersweet cause I won't be going with the youth anymore... but i'm moving on to the next step in my life.
I've found out lately that when I open up my mouth and talk, i make a lot of friends... if only i had known this my first 18 years lol. I miss my bestie Haley so much... I wish she was here with me so I could share my exciting life with her like I used to. She is my other half and I can't wait till our next girl time lol. My life has changed so drastically in the last month it is unbelievable! I never would have thought that I would be where I am today and that any of this would be happening. For those of you who don't know... i've met myself a dream guy. He is better than me actually and really respectful and he just rocks my world:) As for my mom... I just thought I'd let you all know that I love her to death:) She has such a sweet spirit and I'm proud that I can call her my mama. As I reach my 18th year I have to say she has done a pretty good job raising me right, ya'll can say what you want but I KNOW that my mama is the best one out there and a blessing in my life =D  Thats all for now... have a terrific day!

My day with Andi =D

Well Andi picked me up at 7:45 am to take me farming with him. I was super tired at first... but after a few hours I finally woke up lol.  He drives the grain cart so we rode in the tractor and pulled the grain cart.. and when the combine got full we pulled over to the combine and got the grain and then drove over to the main place to drop it off... and then did it again. We did that for many hours until we finished cutting corn. To most of ya'll that probably sounds really boring... but suprisingly it wasn't... like at all I quite enjoyed it. We just got to talk for a LONG time lol. Oh and he let me drive the tractor too :) Then he let me drive his truck home while he finished up some things and I got all cleaned up and then went back and picked him up and then I got to meet his grandparents who were very nice. Then I drove him to his house and talked to his mom while he got all cleaned up. Then we went to Little Rock and ate dinner. I told him to go somewhere cheap... but he wanted to take me somewhere nice for some reason. Then we went to walmart and got some country cd's and then came home. All in all it was a wonderful day. I laughed and couldn't stop smiling all day. I Can't really believe I met someone like that. He is so respectful... and such a gentleman. I don't think there is a better guy out there. I had so much fun with him... still can't believe it... but it's true :) Life is so unexpected sometimes!!