Dear Blog,

I would love to tell you that I have finally figured EVERYTHING out... however its more like I have figured NOTHING out. Shocker? Not really. I have definitely decided to attend BYUI. BYU Provo has not accepted me yet, but if they do... my decision may be altered... who knows... I have not decided however, where I will be this summer. I may be here, or I may be in Idaho with Chantelle... idk yet. I really really really want to go to Canada for the reunion this summer... my family is not planning on going, but I may be able to go on my own. I'll have to get a passport though which is not cheap. Well it's decided. I will definitely be Valedictorian, now I just have to come up with a speech... I'm pretty much positive that no one will come to my graduation but thats ok, cause graduations are boring anyways. I'm still working at Pizza Classic, and I love it there... more over I love the people there. Well blog, thanks for listening, catch ya next time:)

I had an amazing trip to Idaho for Christmas and it really gave me a better view for what my choices are, it really showed me what my life could be like.  I greatly enjoyed spending time with my sister and brother-in-law.  My Aunt Tami took senior pictures for me, which I am eternally grateful for!  And I got to spend quality time with both my Grandma Harlow, and my Great Grandma Eggleston.  My teachers are enjoying assigning us tons of work, and though this may sound weird, I am trying to enjoy the work and really get into it because I know this is my last semester of high school ever.I have gotten so much schoolwork that my shoulders are bruised from my bag cause its so heavy... whats wrong with that picture?

  Last week I had a dear friend pass away and it effected me greatly.  This is the first death that has really gotten to me, and I miss him very much.  I have a hard time grasping the concept that I won't see him again in this life. I keep expecting him to come back, even though I know he won't.  Even though my life goes on the same as before, I have changed as a person.  I find my future to be on a thread right now and I don't know how it will end up.  I don't really know where I will go to college or what I will do with my life.  I do know that I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my future, and then James died and something inside me clicked and now I want to do something else, however I am not sure it is a good idea yet... I am praying that I'll find answers.  Meanwhile I am avidly applying for scholarships and hoping to get at least one of them.  As for my dear friend James, he felt like family to me, he was more family than I really got from any of my real family out there.  His death broke my heart and greatly impacted my work place.  He was the dishwasher at pizza classic.  He died the same week that Megan left to continue her college career.  We can't seem to get the atmosphere the same.  James was really a unique person, someone who changed lives... I know he changed mine.  He had a big heart, my life won't be the same without him.  He taught me so much, lessons I wouldn't have learned with out him and his niece Megan.  I move on and try to take life positively.  If not for myself, for him.  He always had a smile on his face, and he really taught me how to live life and enjoy it.  I choose to be positive in honor of James, I want to live my life in a way that will make him proud. 

Well, i can honestly say I am done with relationships for a while.  They are over-rated I think.  I finally got my application in for BYU and BYUI.  I really want to go to BYUI.  I want to go to Idaho.  I have senioritus BAD.  I can't wait to get out of here and live my life.  One week left until I go visit my dear sister chantelle, and let me tell you I can't wait!!!  Something about leaving for 2 weeks just makes me happy :) As excited as I am to graduate and move out and start college... it is a little weird to think I only have 5 months left of high school.  Living on my own will be a little different after being under my parents roof for 18 years.  I am independent so I am sure I will love living on my own... but I know ill miss my family and its constant chaos when its gone.  My sister found a husband in one year, but I highly doubt it'll be the same for me.  It'll probably be a lot longer for me cause I am not so trusting of guys.  I have 5 months left and then ill be a free women.   Can't wait to be on my own! 

Well we get this whole week off for thanksgiving break, and pizza classic is closed, and the car broke down.  So I get the whole week to spend with my family:)  I can't remember the last time I was home for a whole week, I am usually going, going, going ALL the time.  I am lost, I don't know what to do with all this time... crazy I know but its true... I am SOOOO excited to go visit my sister for christmas, 3 more weeks and then I will be in Idaho:) I will be there for 2 weeks and I am just so excited to get an escape from my own life and to be with my sister and some extended family.  I miss her so much, I get by fine without her, but I am more myself when she is around, I grew up with her by my side non-stop so it was weird when she left and for the first time my childhood companion was gone.  I am used to it now, but still miss her tons!!! I still haven't gotten my application in for BYU and BYUI... I have everything done except my eccliastical endorsement , I got my interviews finished and then found out you don't mail it in, your bishop/branch president are supposed to submit it online.  My branch president is currently in Wyoming for Thanksgiving so it looks like I won't get it turned in for at least a week.  The priority deadline is Dec. 1st.  It looks like I'll be cutting it close.  I fear that since it took me so long, that all the scholarships will be given out already.  I can't afford college.  I may have to get student loans... i don't want to but I'm not skipping my education.  My mom just got home and told me to do the dishes, and complained about the laundry not being put away and about some stuff on her bed.  I don't know why she hs to complain about us doing everything wrong.  I just spent all morning deep cleaning my room and she gets offended cause the dishes aren't done.  My whole life doesn't revolve around the house you know.  I have 2 weeks left of my last first semester of high school.  I am constantly working on college crap and my classes are hard and require a lot of work.  I have a job.  Why do you think my life doesn't revolve around the house?  Cause i have more pressing matters!  Whatever... why would my parents care if I am stressed all the time non-stop because I have to make so many important decisions in such a short amount of time. Whatever chores chores chores... thats all that matters apparently.

IDK.IDK.IDK.

I just spent the day at ASUBeebe.  We learned how to use college libraries and stuff like that.  Then our teacher went over our research papers.  It was fun to skip school and do something like this.  There are only 6 students in this class so it wasn't crowded or rowdy.
Right now I am really wishing I knew all the answers to my life right now.  There are so many decisions to make.  I feel like I am walking on a tight rope.  I know what I've always pictured my life would be like after high school... and then theres reality.  IDK where I am going from here, what I am going to do, which college I am going to... IDK anything right now other than my name.

Well, my life is finally moving on. I think last week was like trudging through mud. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I didn't get any sleep and I flunked the ACT badly as a result. I didn't realize how tired I was until I came home after the ACT and slept from 2-6, and then the following day did the same thing. Today is the first day in a while that I actually did my hair and make-up. Let me tell you, actually getting ready for the day makes a HUGE difference lol. Well I have been busy lately. I am trying to apply for BYU Provo, and BYU Idaho, and I have to write essays for them. I hate writing essays because that is my worst area academically. I can do math and science and history... but english is another story. English makes me so frustrated. It's funny cause english should be the easiest... but each to thier own. Hopefully I get to visit my bestie haley this weekend. I seriously need a girl day. I need to just have fun and get away from this town for a few days;) I guess right now I am trying to plan the rest of my life and I am a bit indecisive. I'm not focused on having a lot of fun my senior year anymore. I can't afford to goof off. I have a B in one class and need to bring it up. Maybe if I try a little harder, I can get my ACT up a bit more. just a hope... not a big deal if I don't. I am resigned to solitude. Why try to be friends with everyone when it will just pressure me to test my standards. I know who I am. I know what is expected of me. I know what will make me happy. And the silly things that make other teenagers happy don't make me happy. I'm independent and don't mind being alone. I don't know what I want with my life right now... I don't know where I want to go to school. I know for sure I don't want to date anybody. Not for quite a while... maybe when I go to college I'll date again idk. I can see my future exactly how i want it... but then an instant later it changes. All I know is that I'm thankful for Family. In the end they are all that matters. Family is everything. I'm thankful for my family. Especially Alex right now. He doesn't know it but he is my best friend. He is a teenager, he goes to my school, and we are the only mormons in school... living the life lol. I'm thankful that God blessed me with a brother that I get along with so well, and I'm thankful he is so close in Age. Most of all i'm thankful for his laughter and humor in life. He laughs at everything. So when life sucks, I know my brother can make me laugh... whatever it is that sucks... he can make it look as though it was all a joke, a hilarious one. He understands me, better than almost anyone. I don't know what I would de without him, I'm thankful that he is here with me my last year. Cause Heaven knows i needed him. God must've known we would be best friends, that must be why we were born so close to eachother, why we have always gone to the same school, and why we understand eachother. He laughs at me when no one else does... he notices when I trip or randomly drop my keys, he laughs when I ask a question that no one else would ever ask... Just wanted to say that I love my brother Alex and am overly thankful that God blessed me with him. Might I had that If he were any younger, he would drive me insane, but he isn't, he is just the right age:) Gotta Love him:)

This too shall pass.

Well, i broke up with Andi.  Break-ups are never easy, but this was definately one of the harder break ups. People think I am a horrible person for breaking up with him, but I knew it wasn't going to work so why pretend and keep going?  I had very good reasons for why we broke up, reasons that I couldn't ignore.  Andi is a great guy, one of the best out there, but I wouldn't be happy marrying him someday, so as much as I loved him I had to end it.  I wish i could tell you all the reasons why it wouldn't work. I wish you all could understand.  I wish people would try to understand before judging me... but thats not the way it works.  I have explained why it had to end so many times now that I'm tired of saying it.  I want to leave so bad.  I want to just leave and never look back.  I want to go to BYUI, and pursue my dreams.  I want to get my degree and then be a mom, a really good mom.  I don't want to be in this state anymore.  I want to get out of this house, but there is no where to go, since this town is so small.  I'm looking at my options of what I could do, and where I could go.  Maybe I'll spend my summer with my sister or my grandma or somewhere other than here.  Or maybe I'll be stuck here in this podunk town.  Maybe I'll get somewhere in life and maybe i won't.  Maybe my dreams of getting my degree and then settling down and being a stay-at-home mom are unreasonable.  Maybe thats not possible these days.  But it doesn't hurt to try.  I have worked hard all my life, getting good grades so I can get scholarships hopefully, learning to cook, and train myself on motherly skills so that one day I can get where I want.  People tell me it isn't going to happen.  Maybe it won't.  But I want it so bad, and I know there is someone else out there who wants their wife to stay home and be a mom.  I'm not alone on this theory... maybe here in Hazen I am... but there are others out there and I will find them.  I know what I want, and I have the American Dream that with enough hard work, eventually i can get there.  I feel like a terrible person, but i prayed about my decision, I know what I want, and I believe that God will help me get there. If I have dissapointed you in my decisions I am sorry, but this is the path I want to go.  I am not here to please other people, I am not here to make everyone else happy.  I have to live my life in a way that will work for me and one day my children and husband. Its hard right now, i'm not going to lie.  But this too shall pass.  One day maybe people will forgive me for deciding to pursue my dreams... I want to be a mom, thats what I dreamed of as a little girl, and its what I still dream of as a Young Adult.  I'm not giving up my dream of being a stay at home mom, when that dream is still in reach, when I know its possible to have that in my future.

What happens, happens.

Wow, I think I am bipolar lol.  One day I am happy as can be and the next I am confused, lost, and grouchy.  This must be due to stress.  This year is the year that I plan the rest of my life.  I am constantly under stress of which school to go to, what to major in, getting enough money for school... am i going to go to Idaho or stay in Arkansas?  Am I going to stay living with my parents or move out and live my life?  Is this guy THE guy?  All of these questions and no answers.  All these decisions that I have to make.  And as much as I want to graduate and get out of here and live my life, I also want to be a kid, enjoy my youth, have fun.  This is my last year of high school and strangely I want it to stretch itself out.  I want it to last, cause once my after high school life starts, I know I will never be the same... and I won't have the freedom and lack of responsibillity I have as a teenager.  I don't really know anything right now, but I am perfectly ok with that cause quite honestly I don't want to know yet, I don't want to know where the rest of my life is going.  I just want to live day by day right now.  Is this a mistake?  I hope not... but for once in my life, I'm not going to worry about the future... what happens, happens.  That is my attitude right now :) 

Tired

I'm tired. Emotionally and physically.  I'm tired of always going going going.  I'm tired of trting and failing.  I'm tired of letting myself down.  I'm tired of fake teenagers. In essence im tired of my life... which will get me no where since it isn't leaving.  I did bad on a test the other day but it is my fault, and I feel like such a let down to the teacher.  I'm tired of kids only talking to me when they have a homework question.  I'm tired of the act. I'm tired of always being tired.  I'm tired of never being good enough. I'm tired of eating and reading and everything really.  Why am i so tired?  Why am I so frustrated? Why can't I sleep? Why does it bother me so much that nobody cares? Why don't I understand myself?  IDK. I am frustrated and I don't even know why.  I'm ready for my life to get to the point where it stops changing and settles down.  But before I get there I have to apply for college, fill out scholarship applications, keep my grades up, take my ACT again, work at pizza classic, do my seminary work, try to have a relationship, try to share the gospel... all this for what?  It's worth it in the end I know, and thats why I'm still trying to do all that, because I know one day when my life does settle down, I will be thankful I did all this.  I'm thankful for the blessings I have in my life, I really am.  I'm thankful that I have such a wonderful boyfriend, I'm thankful that I was born of goodly parents, I'm thankful for my past and what I've learned from it, I'm thankful for the gospel and what a big role it plays in my life. I'm thankful for teachers and how much they can trully teach you, not just bookwise but life wise. I'm thankful for the gifts in my life.  I'm sorry I complained, I'm frustrated with things right now thats all... just a bad day  i guess.  I shouldn't let things get to me.  I just need to be grateful for all that I have, and be optimistic.

War is ironically inhumane....

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote. I'm still dating Andi, and loving every minute of it!  For a while there I was pretty boggled with school work, but I think I got it under control now. The work hasn't decreased any, I just manage my time better now.  In my AP Literature and Composition class we have been reading and excerpt from The Things They Carried.  Mrs. Cox is my English teacher but Mr. Bradow who his head of the Hazen Harold has been coming in and teaching us three days a week. The way he goes about his life, and the way he talks and teaches, you can tell that he has been through life and he has a lot of knowledge and wisdom.  I think I'll remember his teachings more than any of my other teachers this year.  He has been teaching us how to annotate stories.  At first I thought this was stupid and had no point. You see he annotates EVERYTHING he reads.. he doesn't just read a book, he annotates is, for himself.  At first I thought this strange wondering if he had a life.  But then I took it from a different perspective and realized if we all annotated more, we would learn a lot more.  What I have learned in the brief time of annotating is that there is deeper meaning to books. I often read for the story, and that is what I remember, I don't usually take lessons from books, i read for entertainment.  When you annotate a book, you put 2 and 2 together, and you solve a puzzle, you get past the surface, and in turn learn something that you wouldn't have gotten had you just read it.  Today after annotating The Things They Carried I realized something about war.  War is in an ironic way inhumane.  I mean when you think about it, we ourselves create the war, we think that the only way to solve a disagreement is to fight about it, and see who is stronger.  We fight for a purpose, we fight to better our country, to protect it.  But while we are fighting for our country as a whole, we are tearing the individual soldiers down.  Yes they want to fight for their country.  However... think about what it does to them emotionally.  It doesn't matter how tough, and strong you are. Or how mean and violent you may be.  No matter the person you are... it hurts you to see other human beings suffer as they do in war.  No matter the person suffering, whether good or bad, they have feelings, thoughts, a past, a present, and sometimes a future.  They are human just like you are. They carry burdens just like you do.  And they are children of God just like you are.  Though we, humans, create war, no one can come out of war without a scar, without memories that will be with them forever, no one will forget the human suffering they saw, heard, and felt.  And yet we continue to fight, to have war, century after century. We know no other way to solve our disagreements.  And we continue to scar lives, for the sake of a better country, for the sake of a better future, we fight for the people.  War is ironically inhumane.  I have complete and utter respect for those who fight for our country, I have a better understanding of what they go through, and the things they carry with them, the burdens that may never go away, but they keep fighting, doing the job that no one else wants to do.  I think if we took our scriptures and annotated them like I annotated these few pages today, we could learn a lot more about Christ, and his plan for us.  We could get so much out of just digging deeper and going beyond the surface.  That's what I'm thinking about tonight...