Last night I hung out with some premies (pre-missionaries). I was very dissapointed. Its crazy how good I used to think guys were until I met this one guy whose light shined through his eyes like I've never seen before. You could see his love for christ when he talked. He glowed. Its something that I will never forget. Last night I was very sad about the fact that I would never be that perfect girl that the good guys are looking for. But last night as I was hanging out with Haley, Tauni, and 2 premies, I could feel the difference in the spirit. They were having a good time,they were laughing. From afar you wouldn't see anything wrong. But while I was with them the spirit was gone. I didn't have any desire to be with them. Even though they are only a little younger than me it felt like I was hanging out with a bunch of little kids who hadn't quite learned about what life could be yet. I refuse to settle for someone who doesn't have the light of Christ shining through their eyes. Because its like the difference between skim milk and whole milk. Why would you jip yourself if you knew there was better? This morning as I was thinking about it I realized something. I do not need to worry about finding guys who want me. I do not need to worry about not being good enough or perfect enough. What I need to focus on is coming to know Christ in such a way that when people look at me they will see the light of Christ shining through my eyes. When I have a Christ like countenance than I will draw the good guys naturally. I'm not going worry about guys. I have enough on my hands with college as is. Its not my call. If I meet a guy and HE likes me and I know that he has a love for this gospel and I want to give him a chance then thats one thing. But I am not here to live in a town that should be called match.com and freak out when I haven't found my match. Heck I am 19 years old. I have many many many years left in my life. All I know is that I am not here to impress people. I am no longer afraid to be who I am. I may not have many friends, but I am who I am. I have many imperfections, but that just means I am human. I don't want someone who sees me as perfect or who wants me to be perfect. I want someone who sees my imperfections, and respects me for who I am and still sees the good in me.
Last night I was so sad to find out that not everyone here abides by the honor code. Many of those who do, only abide by it because they are afraid of being caught.The boys we were hanging out with wanted to watch a movie however we only had an hour and a half until curfew. They asked: "Are your roommates strict on curfew?" My heart sunk when I heard that. They didn't ask how we felt about it but assumed we didn't care and was worried about our roommates. I suggested playing games instead. I told my roommate that I was not comfortable being late for curfew. I agreed to abide by the honor code when I came to this school. I told her that I signed a piece of paper promising that I would abide by the honor code and so did my branch president and stake president. It made me look like a goody to shoes. I know being a little late on a friday night shouldn't really matter, but it does to me. I can't be the best person that I want to be when I am breaking rules that are there to help me. If I didn't want all these rules I could have gone to s regular university. But I came here to be around others who believe the same that I do. Haley just got here so I've got to go.

Love you!

That awkward moment when you realize you aren't good enough for him. You wait your whole life for the opportunity to come to this school and be around other Mormons. You get so excited at all the prospects of being here. Then the world comes crashing down and you realize that it is not a school full of good return missionaries. There are many types of Mormons here. And the ones that you have waited for your whole life are either married or looking for someone better than you. You realize how crappy you are compared to many of the other girls. You didn't grow up a molly Mormon. You didn't wait till you were 16 to date. You have already had your first kiss. You don't know the book of mormon like the back of your hand. You can't braid in 12 different ways. You can't crochet, nit, and quilt. You aren't as innocent as everyone else. You are worldly compared to these other Mormon girls. These dream missionaries don't want someone as plain, boring and un-Mormon as me. I don't even reach the charts against these girls. So no matter how hard you try to be the best girl you can be, no matter how hard you try to impress them, or how hard you try to flirt without being to flirty. You will never get that guy. Because you aren't that girl he is looking for. I just want to cry because I feel like my hopes and dreams have been crushed. There are too many other girls to compete with. To many other girls who look nearly perfect. Who will be the perfect wives and mothers and relief society presidents. Tonight I am going to a dance, but why should I even go? I am afraid to flirt now. How can I if I know it ends in disappointment. I am not the perfect girl and I never will be. I can't get things out of my mouth the way I want to and I can't express myself without looking like an idiot. All I want to do is give up. But then where does that put me? No where thats where. I've never been able to get the good guys, so why do I still try? Shouldn't I have learned my lesson by now? I never learn.

Dear Blog,
It is Friday night and I do have plans to go out. I have to go out to keep myself sane. I seem to have gotten myself down though. We are going to a dance, and I can only hope it is something like a stake dance because I never did like school dances. I can't dance, not really anyways. I can slow dance and country dance but that is about the extent of my dancing. As the time passes, I want to go less and less. Tauni just came in and wants me to do something so I'll ttyl.
Love you!
Emily

College is here!

Dear blog,
I have now been in Rexburg a week and a half. I love it here. It is a lot of work, but I do love being in class again. I am taking all foundations classes and a confectionary course, which is working with chocolate and candy making. My roommates are all really nice. I get along great with them. Haley is right next to me in the neighboring apartment. People here are so spiritual it amazes me. Normally I would be answering questions in class and being interactive but I haven't been like that here. Other people are so smart and opinionated I don't dare raise my hand and look stupid. My Book of Mormon class is so amazing. We start out with a hymn and a prayer. The spirit is strong in there and everyone is so eager to discuss the book of mormon. Everyone has deep insights too. I met a boy that I like but I think it goes one way so I suppose I'll keep looking. I really don't have time for a boy anyway. It's going to be hard as it is to get good grades, and get a job. My only friends are my roommates and 2 other people Chantelle introduced me to when I first got here. Well I'm going to go work on more homework and do something productive. Or maybe I will relax and watch a movie... idk

September 1st. Wow time sure does fly by doesnt it? I'm still located in California. I still work at the Boulder Lodge. My hours of decreased a lot! I only worked 2 hours today... in my opinion it seems like a waste of time to stay here with this low of income. Yet here I am. My boss would look me to stay so I do. I am doing good out here. I came here to work for college but also to find myself. To figure out who I want to be and what I want from my life. I got slightly distracted along the way with a very special boy, a boy who isnt the one for me. I dont know why I cant seem to keep my mind straight... I change my mind so easily it bothers me. There is a logical excuse each time but its getting old. Well I don't have much to say right now so I guess I'll talk another time. ADIOS!

California Girl

Yes that's right, i am a temporary California girl. I went to Idaho and long story short Chantelle's husband Zach's Grandparents offered me a job at a lodge working 6 days a week. Free rent. I figured I wouldn't get better than this in Nampa so I took my opportunity and came to California. This is my 3rd day here and I really like it. I was planning on getting a night job but then started thinking a little time to myself in the evenings isn't a bad idea so unless I get a call from the 2 places I gave applications, i may wait a little while before completely giving every hour of my day to work. I get a minimum of 30 hours a week (only when we are slow) so for now I am OK. I share a cabin with Zach Roberts sister Nellie. She is real sweet. I finally have time to read my scriptures in peace and find that they are quite captivating. I find myself choosing to read them over other books. Right now I am in Ether and just cant believe how righteous and wonderful everything can be going and then the fathers son betrays him and puts him into captivity and everything goes down hill. How can you betray your own father like that?! Greed and power are definitely forces of Satan. From reading these I realize that I must remember learn from others mistakes. The Jaredites definitely showed that when you put the Lord first and live righteous lives, then you receive many blessings.
I am excited to be on my own and to have all this time to myself but I definately miss my family, my pizza classic family, Snuggles and Mr. Higgins. I find myself missing even casual conversation because I know no one here in California, the ppl I know I only met a week ago. I know its the right thing to be here though, I feel the spirit with me and I can only smile. I just keep reminding myself that in 4 years I will move back to Hazen and be with my true families once again. I've been trying to stay in touch but have limited time after work and the time difference is 2 hours... This new job is very tiring. Its not so much the hours but changing beds is quite the work out, I break a sweat everyday. The people here tell me I am having an Elevation Crisis, because the altitude is about 8000 ft. which is MUCH higher than Arkansas. I am drinking A LOT of water and powerade and conditioner. I am frequently out of breath because I don't feel as though I am getting enough Oxygen here. I am adjusting to eating regular food after getting most of meals from Pizza Classic for the last two years. Its so pretty here, there is still snow on most of the surrounding mountains and we live on a GORGEOUS lake. The town itself is a tourist town so there are lots of resorts/motels/lodges around here. I have to come to the Library to get on the computer so I can only blog so often, but it should be either weekly or every other week if things go right. Well g2g Love and miss all of you!! Especially you Mama!!! ♥♥♥

P.S. incase you do read this Alex I miss you Tons! Dont forget about me while I'm out here in California!

My last Monday at Pizza Classic, and the boy who made it perfect:)

Today was interesting. I didn't want to get out of bed but thankfully I have a job, and that seemed to pull me out. It was a bittersweet morning. It was sad looking around knowing it was my last Monday at work. I think I had the hardest time with Terry Jo. I think I gave him like 5 hugs today. So honestly I was a little down this morning. Then a surprise came. Andi, my old southern country boyfriend stopped by. I went over to say hi thinking he was just getting lunch. Then he said "can I borrow you for... say 5 minutes?" I was like sure. He took me out to his truck and said I got something for you. He had brought me some tiger lilies (lilies are my favorite flower:)) and a very sweet note. He told me not to read it there but I wanted to read it in front of him. His note was the sweetest thing. I don't know how a guy can be so sweet but he is. He knew I was leaving next friday and offered to let me ride the tractor with him one last time. I told him I would definatley take him up on that offer:). Then we both went back to work. I found that through the remainder of the lunch rush I couldn't get that smile off my face. I don't know how he always does that but he does. It reminded me of back in the day when I used to date him how utterly happy I was. I fell asleep smiling back in those days. There is a feeling I felt with him that I have never felt with anyone else. I gave him a hug before I left and a part of me went back to the old days and didn't want to let go. Don't worry I let go but I had a feeling he felt the same. He is such a gentleman... A big part of me wants to just cancel the flight and stay here... but I know that I have to see what else is out there before I can trully be happy. After lunch I went home and it started pouring rain, most people would quickly run inside but I couldn't help but stay out and dance in the rain by myself. I knew there wasn't Arkansas rain in Idaho so I enjoyed the large drops of rain quickly soaking me. By the end of the day I was aggravated with one of my co-workers who just couldn't seem to get things right. For instance she got one persons order and then walked off to make the food and left the other person just standing there waiting to be helped... I was like who does that?! little things like that kept me on edge. Plus I haven't been feeling to well lately and I can't seem to fall asleep earlier than 1 or 2 in the morning each night. I think I'm nervous about leaving and saying goodbye to Hazen, and my family and friends. Tonight I am going to take some Melatonin and knock myself out. Even at the end of the night I am mystified as to why some country boy would stop by and give these beautiful flowers to this girl and make her feel like a princess one last time when he knows she is leaving... but I know the answer... because he is a good hearted man, and he cares. I've never really understood the whole someone else loving and caring for you thing... I mean believe it or not I have the hardest time believing someone cares about a stubborn girl like me... but this town here, the people here, have shown me what love and care really are. They have shown me how to live. I am trully grateful that got the chance to live in this little town:) I am grateful Andi cared enough to come see me today and show me that despite the fact that I did him wrong, and despite the fact that I'm leaving next friday, he still cares. He touched my heart with those 3 flowers and a note. Nothing fancy, but definately perfect. Thank you for showing me that there are guys out there who really are gentleman.:)

hmmm.... Arkansas, Idaho, family, friends, boys... pretty much the good stuff:p

As the days get closer to me leaving I find myself imagining how it'll be out there. I think to myself... I'm not going to be driving this big white van anymore. I'm not going to hear the chorus of my siblings singing in the background as I take a relaxing bath. I'm not going to have Alex calling me every few hours just to see what I'm doing. I won't have Zach asking eagerly if I'll be watching a movie in my room tonight and if so could he please watch it with me?! I won't watch me mom swim in my swimming suit bottoms, I won't see my dads sweaty red face come in the door after fiching. I won't be asked constantly by Brianna if she could please borrow my shorts for the millionth time. I won't walk into my room at the end of the night to find Jordan lounging on my bed with that big ole grin of his. I won't sleep with snuggles cuddled up in my arms. I won't walk into work to the people I love dearly... I won't be able to see Jc every weekend. I won't get waved at as I drive down the road. My whole life is about to change. In a way I am ready and in a way I'm not. My eyes have been opened and I've been changed here in these last few weeks...
I'm ready for this change, I'm ready to see the other side of the hill. At the same time part of me fears I won't be accepted in Idaho. I was made for the South, everyone here accepts me for who I am. They love me and try to help me in everyway. Living here these past 5 years has greatly boosted my self esteem. I've realized that what matters most is not your body image, the car you drive, or the amount of money you make. It's your attitude and the amount of service you do. It's the joy you find in the simple things. I don't have to go to a nice restraunt or a concert... I'd rather go to some lake in the middle of the night, take a swim, roast some starburts, and dry out under the vast universe of stars. Attitude is everything. This place called ARKANSAS... known to outsiders as HickVille, is the place where you will find love and acceptance. Its the place where everyone eats fried chicken and drinks sweet tea, and someones heart is always being blessed:). Southern Hospitallity. It's real. Come to this small Baptist town called Hazen. You'll meet tractors, preachers, and teachers. But above all you will find open arms, ready to help you if they can. I know Idaho is going to be a shock to my system. I'm going to have a hard time adjusting. But I am going to enjoy going to a singles ward and being around other members. I hope that I have an amazing time in Idaho... actually I know I will. I will be with my sister... I wouldn't choose any other person to live with. I love my sister so much, ALL of her. From her gas, to her flaring nostrils and flirtation. I even love her lack of patience and her infamous blonde moments. I have countless memories with that girl and I am psyched to make even more:) I really enjoy being around my brother-in-law. He is very logical and most often has an opinion. Most of all he makes my gorgeous sister happier than I knew was even possible. I trully hope someday I find someone who can make me light up the way she does when she is with him. I hope I can get a hold of a computer when I get to Idaho... might go to the library or something so I can update on my blog from time to time.
You know love is a controversial thing. Some believe its real and others don't. I believe in love. I love watching chik-fliks and I love reading romances, and I love watching people who are in love. I take in everything. I suppose I'm that little four year old girl hoping for a fairy tail. I have this dream guy in my head, someone who will not only love me... not my body... not my smarts... not my testimony... but ALL of me. I realize this includes all that I just said, however most only love part of me. I want someone to understand that I'm stubborn for a reason... that I have to have independance to function... I want someone to understand that I'm not perfect. I'm not the typical girl... I'm not even close. I suppose I dream that I'll find that guy who comes in and sweeps me off my feet... who treats me like a lady (the way my daddy taught me I deserved)... someone who I don't have to ask to read scriptures with me but who just naturally does. Someone who wants to be a father just as much as I want to be a mother. Someone who still encourages me to get my education. A man who servec a mission for the right reasons... because he loves the Lord and wants to share the gift of our Savior Jesus Christ and this Gospel with as many ppl as will listen. I want someone who doesn't tell me they will gladly help me lose weight, but someone who tells me that I am perfect the way I am. I want a man who will let me pursue my dreams... I know its crazy to think there is a guy out there with all that credential. In fact I know there isn't... but a part of me still hopes... I know they say you should write down a list of what matters most and try to find someone who has part or most of it. In honesty I don't even want to search anymore. I used to hope that there was a man out there trying hard to be good just like me... a man who lived in the light of Christ... I used to hope I would get a good guy like that. Then it hit me... who am I kidding. A good guy like that wants a good girl... not one like me. Not one who has only read the Book of Mormon cover to cover once... Not one who doesn't have a near perfect record... I'll admit that I've fallen many times, only to get up and fall again. Better yet if perchance a good guy really did have interest in me, I wouldn't feel good enough for him. So then my mind goes into a different mood and I start falling for someone who has maybe one or two things on my list... I start to love this person, and convince myself that they are good enough for me cause I love them. A few weeks ago it hit me though. I am a daughter of God, and a deserve a good man. And then I realize that even though all these guys are good enough, I don't want someone who is just good enough, I want someone who in my eyes is better than me. So then I am resolved to find this dream guy again and then it hits me... I'm still me. Many people are friendly with me, but few can get along with me well enough to actually be a real friend. If I can hardly make friends then how in the world will I ever find someone better than me to love me? And then the cycle continues. And I thats why I've resolved to not even try anymore. If I meet a guy great if I don't meet a guy then at least I won't be disappointed.
All guys aside, I am going to IDAHO!!!!!!!!! yes me. Emily Lynn Thompson is going to Idaho!!!! And I am going to do what I want with my life:)

2 weeks

I have 2 weeks until I move out to Idaho. Its a bitter sweet thing... I am so very excited to be on my own and have independence. I am excited to live my life for me instead of doing what everyone else wants me to do. I'm excited to get to be with my sister, its been far to long. I'm excited to see my extended family and I'm excited to be near other LDS members. When I go out there, I am going to work on straightening out my life and making it the one I want. I don't want to sleep in except maybe on Saturdays. I want to start walking. And caring for myself the way I should. I don't want my life to be settling for less, I want to make it all I can. I am going to miss my family and friends so much. I'm going to miss this small country town where everyone waves to everyone, everyone drinks sweet tea, eats fried chicken and is always blessing someones heart. I'm going to miss the southern hospitality. I'm going to miss my baby girl Snuggles. I fear that she wont be here when I get back... she is getting old and who knows how long she has... I don't know if she can last the heat this summer, and my parents won't let her inside hardly ever. She is my baby and I love her with every fiber of my being. I dread when I have to say goodbye to her... how can I say goodbye to someone who has always been there for me and who has helped me more times than I can count. How do I say goodbye when I know no one will care for her or love her like I do... It's the hardest thing for me to do... everyone else thinks she is just a dog but she has always been more than a dog. She is my baby. I've had her so long she is a part of me. She is just like me... I know there will never be another girl like my Snuggles. I pray that when I leave someone will take my place and love her and care for her like she deserves. That is the only way she will live longer... I don't want to lose her forever. I can't wait till the day when we are all in heaven and I don't have to worry about goodbyes anymore. I dearly hope that when Snuggles does pass on that my Great Grandma Thompson will watch over her until I get there... she is a Dog lover too. Well I'm going to go out with my Mama and get some lunch. I'm going to miss her too but at least I can still talk to her and I know she will still be living when I come back. Till next time... Emily

Well I've graduated.  It wasn't as big a deal as everyone seems to make it.  I know everyone is super tired of me changing my mind about where to go to school... but what do you expect?  I am a women after all :-p.  So after much confusion and mixed feelings I finally turned to the Lord.  So this time my decision is for real.  I am going to BYU-I in January.  On June 24th I will be moving in with my older sister Chantelle.  I will be getting a job and working there until January.  I am pretty psyched about this change in my life.   It was quite honestly a quick decision, but definitely the right one.  As excited as I am about moving out, I am also a little scared.  I'm not going out there with much money, and I'm not quite sure yet how I am going to make it work but I am going to.  One thing I do know is that I have the Lord with me.  And nothing great starts out easy... so if it is really hard when I get out there I'm not going to give up... hard work and faith will get me somewhere... eventually.  I'm going to make it out all right so mom if you are reading this... then don't worry about me, I've always pushed through and I will this time too:)